The bartender of the Dirty Comet Cantina considered himself a conscientious man. He had to be, in his profession. So many space cantinas had turned to robot bartenders, who were efficient, friendly, and didn’t require payment. The Dirty Comet bartender, being human, did expect to be paid. He kept his job by virtue of being the only human bartender in three systems who could keep track of the vast complexity of alien biologies in his system. He knew that a Rigelian could handle seventeen Swirling Supernovas without blinking an eye, whereas someone from the seventh moon of Flaxanar could barely sniff one before they fell off their stool. On this rainy night, he knew that his customer at the moment was pushing the limits of sobriety.
“You,” growled the customer. “Another. Now.”
The bartender summoned up his most solicitous expression. “Here, now, don’t you think you’ve had enough, sir?”
“But you’ve had six Orion Iced Teas, sir, and those are gargleblaster quality. I really think, sir-”
“I’m an otter,” he said, sighing. “It takes more to get us plastered. I thought I’d got there, but I’m clearly doing something wrong, since I’m not there yet. So. Another.”
The bartender also prided himself on his ability to judge when his customers wanted to pour out their sorrows. “Having a bad day, are we, sir?” he said kindly, sitting down opposite the otter.
“A bad day,” the otter repeated. “A bad day? I have had a bad year.”
The bartender tried to look sympathetic. He had heard so many sob stories over the years that he found it hard to seem really genuine without knowing the details. “Like to tell me about it?”
“You’re not an angel, are you?” the otter asked suspiciously. “I don’t like angels.”
“No angels here, sir,” laughed the bartender. He stopped laughing at the otter’s expression. “I mean, er, no, I’m pure human. Three generations Earth-born.”
“Congratulations,” growled the otter. “I don’t like Earth either.”
Here the bartender made a mistake. “What’s wrong with the old planet, then?”
“Earth was where it started. That angel was from Earth. The murder case that angel dragged me into: Earth. The Holy Grail? Earth. Filthy, stinkin’, stupid Earth.”
The otter smacked his paw on the bar for emphasis. “I wish the whole planet would disappear. Like that.”
The bartender decided not to press the point. Instead, he silently got the otter another drink. Neither of them realized that they had been overheard. Even the bartender had overlooked the shadowy figure in the corner booth. But the shadow had heard what the otter said. The bartender hadn’t lied; there weren’t any angels on the small moon. Unfortunately, there were a few members of the other team.
The shadow listened, but the otter was through unburdening himself. He didn’t say another word until he had finished his seventh Orion Iced Tea. “Another,” he said, more slowly. “Put it…. Put it on my tab.”
“Right, sir,” the bartender said. “And that’ll be under…”
“Stamper,” growled the otter. “Same’s it was before.”
“Of course, sir,” said the bartender.
The War was over, again. She’d fought snarling zombies, robot lizard guards, even reanimated laser-eyed Stonewall Jackson clones. Now, finally, Confederate Connie’s time machine was smashed, its shattered remnants skittering about in the summer breeze. Gaseous Girl smiled. “Looks like this one’s …gone with the wind.”
The song is “Before He Cheats“, by Carrie Underwood.
- I note the frequent use of “probably”. As in, the gentleman in the song is “probably” slow-dancing with a bleached-blond tramp, he’s “probably” buying said BBT a fruity little drink as she can’t shoot whiskey, etc. Is the singer entirely certain of her facts? Given the drastic action she undertakes, I hope so. Especially as this will almost certainly expose her to legal liability.
- Is the pool stick literal or some sort of odd metaphor?
- The singer seems certain, again, that both the guy and the BBT are pool players.
- Professor Harold Hill could certainly advise the singer on the dangers of pool. (See “Ya Got Trouble“).
- Unfortunately, the singer takes dramatic action based on her assumptions about what her cheating boyfriend is doing.
- She just keyed one side? Not both sides? Which side of the four-wheel-drive did she key?
- I like the fact that she went to the trouble to specify the specific brand name of the bat she used. The singer did not use a plain baseball bat such as you might buy from Wal-Mart. No, she used a Louisville Slugger.
- Also, she got the pronunciation of Louisville reasonably correct. I can personally attest that Loo-ey-ville is a good way to say it, although many locals use “Loo-ah-vul” or even “Luhvul.”
- Under no circumstances can you say Lewisville.
- That’s just not cool.
- It seems a particularly bad idea for the singer to carve her own name into the seats of the car.
- How did she get in, anyway?
- Does she have a key?
- Fellas, if you’re going to cheat, make sure you get your keys back from your ex.
- Or, you know, don’t cheat.
- Anyway, why did the singer feel the name to personally autograph her vandalism?
- In the legal world, that’s what we refer to as evidence.
- Sadly, cheatin’ on your girlfriend is not legally actionable.
- Smashing headlights, slashing tires, keying the side of a car, and knifing your name into the leather seats, alas, is.
- I’m not sure what backroom Polo is, but it doesn’t sound hygenic.
- I have no observations on the quality of Shania Twain’s music.I have never, myself, performed karaoke. Not of Shania, anyway.
- I did do “The Cheeseburger Song” from VeggieTales once. It was well received.
- In conclusion, what I learned from this song is: don’t cheat, and if you get cheated on, don’t vandalize the cheater’s car, and if you do that, don’t sign your name to it like you’re Banksy.
Last time, in the Catrina Chronicles, our heroine had escaped from the alien lizard starship and continued her travels through time. She now finds herself in ancient Rome, trapped in the Colosseum along with other innocent civilians, about to be sacrificed to a group of rampaging lions purely on account of religious differences….
The gate creaked open. Three lions, all fairly mangy and roaring up a storm, charged out. Catrina shrugged. She knew that the proper thing to do would be to preserve history, let the lions eat the Christians, and walk away. But, then again, she had already rewritten.history six ways from Sunday. What was one more twist in the fabric of time? “I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking that question,” Catrina said to herself. “Ah, well.”
She turned and unleashed the power of Mlrning, the Shovel of Thor. In an instant the three lions were three frozen lion-sicles. Stunned silence filled the Colosseum. “It is Minerva!” someone called in Latin, and all around Romans in various lengths and colors of togas dropped to their knees.
“Oh, blast,” Catrina said. “Listen, people, I am not a god! Or a goddess either!” Unfortunately, she said this in twelfth-century English, not first-century Latin. She was no longer on the alien starship with its convenient internal translation matrix. Catrina had never been very good with languages, and so her next idea would turn out to be a very bad one. She decided to attempt a communication in Latin.
Catrina searched in her mind for a Latin phrase she knew that might calm everyone down. Something bubbled up in her memory, and Catrina, wasting no time, yelled it out as loud as she could. The Colosseum had very good acoustics, and nearly everyone in the stadium heard her. This proved singularly unfortunate. What she meant to say was “Stay calm, everything is fine, you all are good people, and I am your friend.” What she actually said was, “Sola populo bona est.” This translates roughly to, “The only good people are dead people.”
Needless to say, the Roman crowd didn’t take very well to this. Some of them thought the godddess Minerva was threatening to slay them in her divine wrath, and they ran shrieking in fear. Others, noting her poor Latin grammar, decided that she must be some sort of foul witch. Many of this last group had weapons, and they promptly decided to use them. Arrows thwacked into the sand around Catrina’s boots.
“Right,” she said, “I tried diplomacy.” She promptly unleashed a blast of icy power from the Shovel of Thor at everyone in the stands, freezing wave after wave of Romans. This included the current Emperor and his entire family, who had gone out for a day of relaxation and sport. Catrina gestured wildly for the Christians to run for the exits, which they frantically did. She started to join them. Just then, the Swirling Vortex of Imaginary Time appeared before Catrina had the chance to say, “Oh, no, not again.” The princess vanished from the Colosseum, leaving behind a Roman Empire with a sudden leadership vacuum. This would not end well.
Catrina’s knees scraped sand. At first she thought she was still in the Colosseum. Then a wave splashed around her, and she realized she was on a beach. “Oh, good,” said Catrina. “I’m about ready for a vaca-”
A bullet cracked past her head. She didn’t see where the shot came from, and she wouldn’t have the chance to learn, because a whole storm of bullets came zinging after it. Catrina dived for the sand, as explosions resounded over her head. She glanced back at the ocean, and saw countless gray metal ships swarming with men. She looked towards the land. More bullets blazed at her, from behind solid concrete fortifications bristling with barbed wire and chattering guns.
Catrina had no way of knowing that it was June 6, 1944, and that she had just crashed into D-Day. What she knew was that the guys on the beach were yelling angrily at her in German. Catrina didn’t have much more experience in German than she did in Latin, but what they were saying didn’t sound friendly to her. “Well,” she said resignedly, reaching for Mlrning, “here we go again.”
This has been another exciting episode of the Catrina Chronicles. For previous episodes, go here. As always, thanks for reading!
Last time, in the Catrina Chronicles, our heroine had just released her future arch-nemesis Susan from a cell on board an alien lizard starship. This may not have been the best idea. Regardless, Princess Catrina now races down the starship corridors in a desperate attempt to escape…
“I’m always running places,” Catrina remarked. “Just once, I’d like to conduct a walking escape. Maybe a leisurely stroll escape. But no, I have to run. Always run. It must be my lot in life.”
She couldn’t even have her run in quiet, either. Shipboard alarms kept up a constant wirp-ing and WEEEE-OOOH, WEEE-OOH overheard. Catrina picked out a particularly annoying klaxon that sounded like a foghorn with a bad sinus infection. It was about high time, she decided, for her to get off the starship.
The trouble was, she had no idea how. She had no map, no convenient guide to the ship’s layout. She would have asked the ship’s computer, had she known it existed, but it only accepted commands in alien lizard speech anyway, and would have required a security passcode which she didn’t possess. This left her without many good options. It wasn’t as if she could grab one of the lizards and ask for directions. “Well, why not?” Catrina said.
Pausing in her run, she turned towards the nearest door. It looked reasonably like the door to someone’s room. She looked to see if there was a doorknob or some sort of bell. The door, alas, seemed to be made of solid material, without a bell or a knob anywhere. Catrina knew there was only one thing to do. She raised Mlrning, the Shovel of Thor. In an instant a solid sheet of ice had frozen the door over. Then Catrina took a short run and launched herself at it, in a dramatic flying snap-kick. The door shattered into pieces. Catrina went right through, into the room beyond.
She realized at once that she had made a slight error. The room was occupied, as she had hoped. Unfortunately, there wasn’t just one alien lizard in the room. There were two.
“Oh,” said Catrina, her eyes going very wide indeed. “I, um, apologize. I’m sorry to have interrupted your…. um…. you. Could you tell me how to exit the ship, please?”
One of the lizards squeaked at her. The ship’s internal translation matrix kicked in. She only needed to continue down the corridor outside, make two rights and a left, and she would find herself at the teleporter bay. Catrina ordinarily hated teleporters, but she didn’t want to continue this incredibly awkward conversation any longer than necessary. “Right,” she said. “Thanks very much. I’ll let you get back to it then.”
She darted swiftly out of the room and down the corridor, reflecting that one could really never account for biology. At any rate, the lizard’s directions were accurate. A few turns later, and Catrina found herself at the teleporters. She noticed one of them had what appeared to be a scanned image of the Earth. “That’ll do,” Catrina said, and ran towards it.
The lizard attending the teleporter was a minor ensign, who was only covering for his superior while the officer was away (searching for Catrina, ironically). He was also unarmed, and he didn’t like the look of Catrina’s shovel. When she yelled at him that she wanted him to send her off the ship, he immediately complied. The ensign might, had he thought about it, simply beamed Catrina out into the void of space, or just disintegrated her entirely into a random row of dots. But he was a reasonably kindly alien lizard, and he decided to send her someplace with a lot of other people like her. She would, at any rate, no longer be his problem.
What both he and Catrina hadn’t realized was that the Swirling Vortex of Imaginary Time had inexplicably opened up right in the teleporter’s circuits. The alien ensign didn’t know about the vortex, and Catrina had been so busy escaping from the ship that she had forgotten about it. As a result, Catrina materialized on the Earth below, approximately sixty years after the birth of Christ.
Catrina also materialized two seconds after it occurred to her that trusting an alien lizard to teleport her somewhere was not a good idea. She quickly checked to make sure she wasn’t missing any important bits, or that she hadn’t been turned violet. She appeared to be in order. “Well then,” Catrina said, “Where have I landed now?”
Someone screamed in Latin. Catrina looked quickly around. She appeared to be in a wide open area surrounded by stone bleachers. She had once, in her studies a a young princess, seen an engraving of the place, and she had recently been on a tour of Italy and Greece with Susan, before the latter had turned evil. “It’s the Colosseum!” Catrina rejoiced.
Then she realized several other things. There was quite a large crowd in the stands, and they were all yelling at her. She also saw that she was not alone. A smaller group of frightened men, women, and a few children in dirty robes were huddling nearby. Their terrified gaze was fixed on a metal gate that was slowly creaking upwards. Behind it, Catrina heard a distinctive roar.
“Oh, lovely,” Catrina said. “Lions. It just would be lions.”
This has been another exciting episode of The Catrina Chronicles. For previous episodes, go here. Be sure to come back next week when Catrina’s adventure in imperial Rome continues. And, as always, thanks for reading!
Last time in the Catrina Chronicles, our heroine had escaped from her alien lizard captors and run off to rescue her -arch-nemesis Susan as well, accidentally igniting the Turbolift Revolution in the process. Little knowing that she had just upended galactic politics, she now races to Susan’s cell on the alien lizard spaceship….
“Honestly?” Princess Catrina said, as she pounded down the corridor. “After a year of silence, that’s all the recap I get? My old readers have already moved on, and any new readers will be hopelessly lost. You could’ve done a lengthier recap, maybe an entire post explaining my backstory, but no. Of course not. Oh, the indignities inflicted on me by my author. It never ends!”
She might have gone on for some time about this, but at that moment she spun round a corner and came within sight of Susan’s cell. Catrina had traveled about in time a bit, but she was still not completely up to speed on all the nuances of a space-faring age. Her idea of a cell was still medieval: a dark and clammy chamber with a tiny barred window and a bucket in the corner for necessaries. Susan’s cell was bright and clean, with soft lights and a cot that had a reasonably fluffy blanket. Even more surprising, it didn’t appear to have a door. Catrina could see right into it. Sure enough, there was Susan, sitting angrily on her cot and scowling. “Hello there!” Catrina said, waving.
“YOU!” Susan shrieked in fury. Susan had been going through a rough period. It was still earlier in her personal timeline; she hadn’t yet become the mistress of Character Hell that Catrina had come to know and hate. She only just recently turned evil, and was still dealing with the realization that she was a made-up story character. Susan was not, alas, handling this well. She had decided to blame it all on Catrina. “It’s all your fault!” she raged.
“Can we discuss my responsibility later?” Catrina said, who had some uneasiness on that subject. “I’m trying to break you out of there.”
Susan ought to have responded gratefully to this offer of liberation. Instead, she responded with a torrent of unprintable words. Catrina had rarely heard such vile or inventive language. She wasn’t even sure that some of Susan’s suggestions were anatomically possible. Catrina hesitated for a moment, wondering if perhaps she should reconsider setting Susan free.
Her hesitation cost her. All at once she heard the tramp of marching feet. A squad of alien lizard soldiers stormed into the room behind her. “Right, you!” the squad leader shouted. “Surrender, or we’ll fire!”
“Together, or one at a time?” Catrina asked.
“What?” the squad leader said. He was used to prisoners demanding their freedom, or else beginning for their lives. Prisoners didn’t usually inquire about tactics.
“Well,” Catrina said, “There’s, let me see, one two, six of you, and you’re all carrying laser rifles. As my author observed, I’m not familiar with these space things, but those rifles are fairly powerful, correct?”
“They’re plasma, D9-17s, capable of reducing solid padamantium-steel allows to molten slag, and any living creature (such as yourself) to drifting ash!” The squad leader had recently read the manual on the weapon, and enjoyed its vivid language.
“Any one of them will do that?” Catrina pressed.
“You’ve got six. All that plasma firepower won’t just disintegrate me; you’ll probably vaporize Susan too. And maybe even yourselves. This room isn’t all that big, you know.”
“Ah,” the squad leader said. “Well, then we’ll fire one at a time!”
“Good idea!” Catrina agreed. “Except I’m virtually unarmed. I’m only carrying this perfectly harmless and absolutely ordinary shovel. So which one of you boys-”
“Girls,” one of the lizards said.
Catrina blinked.”All of you?”
“No, just me.”
“Oh,” Catrina said. “I didn’t realize. What’s your name?”
The lizard said a combination of syllables, with a bit of hissing. “I see,” said Catrina. “Pleasure to meet you.”
“Likewise,” said the lizard.
“Now that we’re friends, how do you feel about laser-rifling me to death?” Catrina asked. “Seems a bit uncivilized.”
The lizard soldier hesitated. “Well…”
“I’ll do it!” said the squad leader irately. “Unless you drop that shovel right now!”
“This?” Catrina said. “This entirely harmless gardening tool? Do you really need for me to set it down in order to surrender?”
The squad leader was getting more and more frustrated. This wasn’t going smoothly at all. He liked things to go smooth. “Fine!” he snapped. “Keep the shovel! Only surrender right now, or-”
“Actually, you should’ve made me drop it,” Catrina said. “This isn’t really an ordinary shovel? This is Mlrning. The Shovel of Thor.”
There was a blinding white flash. A second later, all of the alien lizard guards were frozen in solid ice. Catrina smiled. She always enjoyed that part. Then she heard Susan yelling something else unprintable behind her. The moment was ruined. “Guess I’d better rescue you after all,” Catrina said reluctantly. She still didn’t see a door, but assumed that something invisible must be keeping Susan in the cell, otherwise she would’ve walked out herself. Catrina swung the Shovel of Thor in the general direction of Susan. Something crackled angrily in the air, flashed, then broke up in sparks. Susan leaped up from her cot.
“I’m free!” she shouted, somewhat obviously. “And now I’m gonna-”
An alarm shrilled over their heads. “Whatever it is, now is really not the time!” Catrina observed. “I’m going to try and find a way off this ship. Are you coming with, or not?”
Susan howled a last insult and dashed off down the corridor. Catrina shrugged. “There’s just no being friends with some people.” Having delivered that depressing moral to the still-frozen lizard soldiers, she ran off down a different corridor, with some regret. It might have been interesting, being friends with an alien lizard of her own gender. She probably wouldn’t have that chance again. Such, alas, was life, Catrina reflected.
This has been another episode of the Catrina Chronicles. For previous episodes, go here. Thanks for reading!
The pizza place was unusually quiet, for a Saturday. He didn’t mind. He slid into his usual booth and waited for the others to show up, blinking against the light that shone through the multicolored lampshade over the table. He was used to working in the dark.
A shadow fell over the table, a shadow that wavered like the rustling of trees in a summer wind. “Greetings, Wombat. I trust you are well?”
“Hey, Ron. Yeah, I’m okay. You?”
“I have been communing with the forces of nature in Madison Park,” Ron intoned as he planted himself in the booth opposite. “Listening to the beating heart of the ecosystem.”
“Didn’t know they had an ecosystem in Madison,” the Wombat said. “What’ve they got, squirrels?”
“Exceptionally communicative squirrels,” Ron said solemnly.
The Wombat had never yet been able to determine if Ron Raven had a sense of humor. Gaseous Girl said he didn’t, but then she wasn’t always a barrel of laughs herself. Further thoughts along that line were interrupted as the superheroine herself appeared, smelling faintly of ash. “Hey, Ron, Wombat. How’s the burrowing?”
“Fine,” the Wombat said. “You know there’s giant rats in the eastside sewer now?”
“Lovely,” Gaseous Girl said. “Doctor what’s his name again, isn’t it.”
“The squirrels have said as much to me,” Ron interjected. “I could go and attempt to commune with the unusually large rodents.”
Gaseous Girl rolled her eyes. “Sure. Commune with the giant ravenous beastie that wants to eat your head. I’d just as soon flame ’em.”
Ron rose from his side of the booth in high outrage. Before he could unleash his wrath, however, the fourth member of their small group arrived. The Green Moth glided elegantly into the seat alongside Gaseous Girl. No one was entirely clear about the nature of the Green Moth’s powers. When asked, she would explain languidly that they involved “manipulatin’ the quantum polarity matrix that underlies the fundamental order of the universe, bless its heart.” Gaseous Girl privately thought this was all bunk, but she wouldn’t have been so rude as to say that out loud.
The usual waitress appeared then and took their drink orders. As she left to get Gaseous Girl’s root beer and Ron Raven’s herbal tea, the Wombat asked if anyone had fought anything more interesting than giant sewer rats. “The Tree Killer stuck again,” Ron Raven growled. “Cut down a nice sapling at the edge of the park. I had harsh words with the squirrels about it.”
“Shame,” the Wombat said. “There’s not nearly enough trees these days.”
“Tell me about it,” Gaseous Girl said. “It’s all malls and chain fast food places. You can’t even get a good abandoned warehouse anymore to fight the bad guys in. You know where Crudmuffin was the other day? Wal-Mart. Yeah. Cleanup on aisle five, right?”
The Wombat laughed, and even Ron Raven’s glower lightened up ever so slightly in as close to amusement as he ever got. The Green Moth said nothing. She continued to say nothing as the talk turned back to the giant sewer rats. She had powers, all right. Phenomenal powers. Powers that would make the others sit up and take notice, they surely would. The trouble was, no one had ever emerged as a nemesis for the Green Moth. The Wombat had rats and The Hummingbird, Gaseous Girl had Crudmuffin, even Ron Raven had Tree Killer. The Green Moth? Nothing.
She sighed as the waitress returned with their drinks. No one noticed her sigh.
No one ever noticed the Green Moth.