Skip to content

Everything’s Shiny, Caitlin, Not to Fret

by on May 20, 2011

This story was written for Prompt Number Twenty of the Chrysalis Experiment. For previous episodes in the Caitlin Chronicles, see the new Caitlin Chronicles page, here. Enjoy!

Last time, Susan, the evil mistress of Character Hell, had just manipulated our plucky heroine into slaying the mutant duck that guarded the chamber of the Puzzle of Worlds. Susan had then whacked Princess Caitlin over the head with a shovel (terribly useful for whacking people over the head with, shovels are), before going into the puzzle chamber and preparing to set the Puzzle of Worlds on fire, thus wiping out all fictional realities and leaving only the true reality of Earth. Now, astute readers may wonder at this point whether Susan had committed one of the classic villain mistakes. She had, after all, left Princess Caitlin unconscious on the floor in another room, out of her sight, without making absolutely sure that Caitlin was in fact permanently disposed of. Ah, but what you readers might not know is that Susan hadn’t beaned Caitlin with an ordinary shovel. Oh, no. *dun dun DUNNNN*

No, the shovel that had struck Caitlin down was smeared with a poison most deadly, made of three terrible ingredients which Susan had retrieved herself from three different fictional worlds. The first was the ground-up bones of an Orc. But not just any Orc. No, this Orc was one of the fighting Uruk-hai (as opposed to the napping Uruk-hai, or the tap-dancing Uruk-hai, or the always-expecting-the-Spanish-Inquisition Uruk-hai.) The second was kryptonite. Not the standard green kryptonite, or the usual varieties like red kryptonite or blue kryptonite, but the worst color of all: puce kryptonite. The effects of puce kryptonite are so unspeakably horrible that…well, actually, no one’s ever spoken of them, so no one really knows just what exactly puce kryptonite does. But it’s horrible. We’re pretty sure of that. Picture the most horrible thing you can think of, then multiply it by a factor of ten, and that will be a Sunday-school picnic compared to what puce kryptonite does. (We think). The third ingredient Susan had found in a Montana English major’s fanfiction wherein the Sith Lord Edward Cullen had been burned to ashes by Mulan the Vampire Slayer.

Combining these three ingredients, the Orc’s bones, puce kryptonite, and Edward Cullen’s ashes, Susan had made a poison so deadly that it erased its victims from existence. Not just at the moment it touched them, however; no, it punched a hole in the fabric of time and wiped them out all the way back to their conception. The one drawback of this was that since it did its job so thoroughly, no one ever remembered using it. Susan knew that she wouldn’t even realize she’d used it to wipe out Caitlin, but then as Character Hell would be destroyed like all the other made-up places in just a few moments, her impending memory loss didn’t trouble her that much. So, as Caitlin lay on the chilly stone floor of the outer chamber, the deadly poison coursing through her veins, she quietly began to flicker.Another second, and she would be gone.

Caitlin, naturally, didn’t have any idea that this was happening. She was in her happy place, blissfully playing chess against her mother, Queen Maralyn. Caitlin slammed her rook across the board to a threatening pose opposite Maralyn’s last remaining knight, then leaned back in her chair and glanced casually out the window of her castle room. “Hm,” she said, “that’s odd.” A dark mass seemed to be boiling across the sky outside, like a rising thundercloud, but more..sinister. A thin, cold, howling voice drifted across the air towards her. “Oooo….who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of meeeen….oooooo…”

“Wonder what that is?” Caitlin commented, not worried in the least.

“That’s the shadow domain,” Queen Maralyn said. “Legend tells if you enter it you’re never heard of again.”

At that moment a squad of garishly pink hippos floated between Caitlin and the shadow domain, and broke into a rousing chorus of “Oklahoma!”. Caitlin blinked. “Ah. I must be dreaming.”

“Yes,” Maralyn said. “You’re dreaming. And, no pressure, but you really should wake up. Susan’s about to wipe out all fictional worlds.”

Caitlin hadn’t heard the last sentence. She’d risen slowly from her chair and moved towards the window, eyes fixed on the growing darkness. She’d thought she had glimpsed a shiny light flickering deep inside. “Ooh, shiny…” she breathed. “I shall call it Squishy and it shall be mine. And it shall be my squishy friend…”

“Will you stop quoting Pixar movies and pay attention?” Maralyn exclaimed in alarm. (Incidentally, to head off a possible plot hole, Maralyn had been hanging out in Character Heaven for quite a few years, so she’d had plenty of time to find out about Pixar movies. Her personal favorite was Up. But I digress. Back to the story!) “The world of fiction needs you!”

“Squishy needs me more.” Caitlin said dreamily. “Besides, I’m feeling a bit peaked. I think I just need to find Squishy and lie down…”

She balanced on the window-sill, reaching out towards the shadow, which swept towards her.

Meanwhile, back in New York City, the real Queen Maralyn was assisting Gaseous Girl in cleaning up after the Zombie Penguin Apocalypse. Fortunately, after Colin the Mime-Assassin had accidentally slain Zombie Penguin Caitlin, everyone who had been zombie-penguinified had magically reverted back to normal (deus ex machina FTW!). Unfortunately, the city was still in a terrible mess, what with smashed windows, litter, debris, and fish remains strewing the streets. Colin would’ve been helping with the clean-up too, but he was still grief-stricken over having inadvertently killed Caitlin. He leaned against a tree, wringing his hands, mumbling “Thunder-turtles” over and over again. The poor Master of Very Sharp Knives had gone into full heroic breakdown mode. Queen Maralyn would’ve said something to console him, but she was busy working out her anguish by helping Gaseous Girl to clear away a pile of concrete blocks that had fallen atop a car, trapping its occupants inside. None of them had any idea that their world was on the verge of ending, nor that Caitlin was in grave peril.

Back in the princess’s mind, dream-Maralyn frantically tried the only thing she could think of. “Hey!” she yelled. “Caitlin’s shoulder-angel! Do something!”

“Shiiiny liiiight…” the shoulder-angel piped, transfixed.

“We’re doomed,” Dream-Maralyn said. “Put the chairs on the wagon, the meeting is over. Oh well. Existence was fun while it lasted.”

There was still one person she’d forgotten, however. Caitlin’s shoulder-devil. It wasn’t about to go down to a shiny little light, no sir. The trouble was, being a shoulder-devil, it was contractually obligated not to do anything good. The bad thing would be to push Caitlin right into the shadow domain, but if it did that, then it wouldn’t exist anymore. Survival vs. badness. It was a profound dilemma for the shoulder-devil, to say the least. It hesitated on the princess’s shoulder, badly confused. Then, rallying, it decided to do the only thing it could; hoisting its tiny pitchfork, it hurled the pitchfork like a javelin past Caitlin’s neck, non-pointy-end first. The pitchfork’s long handle thwacked across the head of Caitlin’s shoulder angel, knocking the angel from its stupor. “Zounds!” it squeaked. “What did you do that for?”

The shoulder-devil gesticulated violently towards the shadow domain.

“Oh. Right. Sorry.” The shoulder-angel zipped around in front of Caitlin’s face, adjusted its tiny halo, and powered up its glow. Golden light splashed across Caitlin’s face, and she blinked rapidly. “Wha-”

“Caitlin!” the shoulder-angel pleaded. “You’ve been going to the dark side, and look where it’s gotten you! Susan’s about to do something really bad! You need to join the light side!”

“Do they have cookies?” Caitlin inquired.

“YES! They have cookies, and muffins, and donuts, and strawberry tarts, and all sorts of yummy deserts! The Dark Side promises you cookies, but it’s all a lie! Those cookies are filled with the calories of evil!”

“So, what, the light-side’s cookies are fat-free?”

“Exactly! The cookies of the light-side are fat free and yet still tasty! The dark side’s cookies are but mere imitations, made with the rotten eggs of treachery, eggs which then give you the salmonella poisoning of doubt and despair!”

Caitlin hesitated. Scenes of her past adventures flashed through her mind. She had to admit, she hadn’t always made the best choices so far, and they hadn’t really worked out so well. But…if she turned to the light side, would she have to give up her quest to exact vengeance on Vladimir the Marauder? Caitlin’s shoulder-angel saw the danger and moved quckly to head it off. “Caitlin, do you really think Susan would actually let you take over Character Hell? She’s the whole reason you’re unconscious and dreaming now! She sent Vladimir in the first place! And-”

The princess’s eyes lit up. “Shoulder angel say what?”

“Oops. Um, technically, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that-”

“Okay, I’m ready to join the light side. Let’s do this.”

“Oh. Well…okay then!” The shoulder-angel snapped her fingers. Light blazed around them. “Use the Force, Caitlin!” she cried.

“Use the what now?” Caitlin asked. The shoulder-angel didn’t have the chance to reply, for at that moment, back in Character Hell, Caitlin’s fallen lightsaber flipped from red to shining blue. The poison melted away in horror at Caitlin’s sudden new wave of goodness and light-side energy. Caitlin’s eyes flew open and she sprang to her feet, snatching up her newly cerulean blade. The princess charged into the chamber of the Puzzle of Worlds, unleashing a flying snap-kick that knocked the light away from Susan’s hand, and ending with the blue lightsaber blade crackling against Susan’s throat. “Hello,” Caitlin said. “My name is Princess Caitlin. You killed my mother. Prepare to die.”

“We’re in Character Hell, you dingo!” Susan snapped, as her own lightsaber came flying to her hand. A crimson blade spilled out to meet Caitlin’s blue. “I can’t die!”

“Wanna bet?” Caitlin replied, and the fight was on.

Advertisements
6 Comments
  1. Never a dull moment for Caitlin, is there?

    • She’s certainly have an eventful life. Or, actually, afterlife, since she’s technically still dead. πŸ˜›

  2. This is the best installment yet! I’d quote back all my favorite lines, but it would take too long, and probably be quite annoying. Well done!

    • Thanks! My personal favorite line to write was “The cookies of the light-side are fat free and yet still tasty! The dark side’s cookies are but mere imitations, made with the rotten eggs of treachery, eggs which then give you the salmonella poisoning of doubt and despair!” πŸ™‚

  3. I’m with Jes – this was awesome! πŸ˜€ it almost read like a “Princess Caitlyn best of” LOL

    • Thanks! You know, now that I think about it, when this is all over I should do a “Best of Princess Caitlin” post. Maybe talk about the life lessons she’s learned. “So, what did we learn about not attacking mutant ducks in Character Hell”? πŸ˜›

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Laissez Faire

Letting Life Lead

Delight Through Logical Misery

Taking the sayings,thoughts and themes that make us happy and ruining them with science and logic and then ...um...happiness might come from that. Or at least some sort of smugness that's very similiar.

I Miss You When I Blink

and other classics

rarasaur

frightfully wondrous things happen here.

That Darn Kat

curiouser and curiouser

It's Not About A Church

It's about following Jesus ...

Erin McCole Cupp

Faith, Fiction, and Love No Matter What

that cynking feeling

You know the one I'm talking about . . .

The Cordial Catholic

Cordially explaining the Catholic faith.

The History of Love

The Trials & Tribulations of English Romance, 1660–1837

polysyllabic profundities

Random thoughts with sporadically profound meaning

Stewartry

Book reviews and general nonsense

Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings

You say you want an evolution...

Ned's Blog

Humor at the Speed of Life

%d bloggers like this: