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The Return of Lady Wagnerian

by on August 19, 2011

It was the first Christmas since the Zombie Penguin Apocalypse. Edison City had recovered pretty well, all things considered. Most of the former zombie-penguins had recovered and resumed their normal lives, although it was worth noting that sales of tuna sandwiches skyrocketed in the weeks following. That wasn’t the only aftereffect of the Zombie Penguin Apocalypse. The city’s economy, other than the not terribly vital tuna sandwich, nosedived faster than an Olympic diver who’s suddenly been teleported to Jupiter, as city economies are wont to due when a goodly portion of the city’s population spends several days as zombie penguins. Mayor Flanbury maxed out the Edison City budget trying to rebuild all the smashed roads and repair the property damage that had resulted, and between that and criticisms about his behavior during the crisis (“The mystical essence of Charlie Sheen?” people exclaimed. “That was his brilliant plan?”), he probably would’ve been turned out of office in a landslide, had it been a mayoral election year. As it was, the city remained in a very un-Christmas-like mood heading into the holiday season. Two street-corner Santas got into a fight one day and began clobbering each other with their bells, and instead of calling for help or trying to persuade them to reason, the watching crowd began to take bets on which Santa would win. Caroling groups restricted themselves to either “Blue Christmas” or “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” Things got so bad that when the local TV networks ran a marathon session of It’s a Wonderful Life, a number of viewers called in to express their support for Mr. Potter.

Mayor Flanbury knew he had to do something. So he decided that the best thing to do was to throw a party. More specifically, a Christmas-tree-lighting ceremony complete with bands and singers who were under strict orders to sing happy Christmas songs. The day of the event, it started snowing, not a blizzard-type-snow but that light little dusting that’s perfect for Christmas weather. The Christmas-tree lighting went off without a hitch, masses of people attended and seemed to be in rare good spirits, and Mayor Flanbury’s hopes began to rise. Maybe Edison City would turn out all right after all.

Then, in response to that obvious cue of dramatic irony, one of the singers came forward. According to the program, she was supposed to sing O Holy Night. She pushed her glasses up on her face, made a polite wave to the crowd, sucked in a deep breath, and let loose. “FAAAAAAAAALL ON YOUR KNEEEEEEEES…..OH HEEEEEEAR THE ANGEL VOIIIIIIICES!” As she sang, powerful sonic pulses ripped through the air, shattering skyscraper windows for blocks in every direction.

Crap. Mayor Flanbury thought. A supervillain. Just what we needed. And not just any supervillain, oh no, this was Lady Wagnerian, who had fully recovered from the Sporkster’s defeat and had returned to take her…*dramatic pause*….revenge. Mayor Flanbury scrambled for his iPhone. “Mayday, mayday,” he yelled. “Get the Sporkster! Get somebody! Lady Wagnerian’s back, and she”- But as she launched into “O NIIIIIIGHT DIVIIIIIIINE!”, a sonic blast tore through the Christmas tree, nicked the shiny red rose right off of Rudolph’s face, and smashed the phone out of  Mayor Flanbury’s hand. Lady Wagnerian paused in her bellowing and smiled rather viciously.

“Oh, no, dear sir, we simply cannot have that. I do apologize, but you see, I intend to make all of you people pay for incarcerating me. That was terribly rude, you know. Really. It was. I shed tears.”

“Sorry!” Mayor Flanbury said huffily. “Maybe if you hadn’t tried to rob that bank we wouldn’t be having this conversation, now would we? Or maybe we would, because really, you’re just a puffed-up egomaniac with the intelligence of a sea slug and the artistic brilliance of a crayon smear. You’re just like all the other supervillains, you’re going to try to destroy the city and then one of the heroes will stop you and everything will go back to normal, and yet you’ll keep trying because you’re too stupid to realize that you could be using your powers for the side of good, and you think you’ll actually beat the hero. Like that ever happens, you…you….twip.

Now, in general, it is not a good idea to deliver a lecture to a supervillain, particularly if you have absolutely no powers whatsoever. Lady Wagnerian’s face twisted into a peculiar expression, somewhere between absolute shock and pure wrath. Then, she closed her eyes, counted swiftly to ten, and then went up to fifteen for good measure. Regaining her calm, she opened her eyes again and gave the mayor a very chilling look. “Actually, I was not planning to destroy the city, not with my sonic pulses or anything else. That was just a prelude. Here’s the symphony.” From a pocket she produced a large metal cylinder painted a garish purple. “This is the Sugar Plum Bomb. When I push this button,, it’ll send out a wave of magical energy that will turn every last person in this city, except me, into a sugar plum. I will then sell all the sugar plums on Ebay or Amazon, make a mint, and retire from my life of crime. How many other supervillains could do that, I ask you?”

“You would be the first,” the mayor admitted, feeling all of a sudden that he should’ve stayed quiet.

“Exactly. Oh, would you mind terribly making sure all the media cameras are getting this? I would hate for the world to miss the first detonation of a Suger Plum Bomb in history. And now, to press the-” *WHAM*

A streak of red light flashed past her, knocking the Sugar Plum Bomb from her hands. It materialized in the iron grip of the city’s newest hero, who struck a dramatic pose. Mayor Flanbury rolled his eyes. Of all the superheroes in the city, this was the one that came to their rescue?

“Lady Wagnerian!” the new arrival announced, as if she had to be reminded of her name. “Does your villainy know no bounds?”

“No, not really,” she replied matter-of-factly. “Or was that rhetorical? Incidentally, what was your name again? I thought I was familiar with all the heroes, but you’re shiny and new.”

The man thrust out his red-clad chest and unfurled his white cape. “I’m Captain Happily Married!”

A pregnant pause. Lady Wagnerian did a slow blink behind her glasses. “You’re…”

“Captain Happily Married, defender of fidelity, sworn enemy of the winds of evil that threaten to blow out the unity candle of good!”

The pregnant pause gave birth to a metaphorical baby of side-splitting laughter, mostly from Lady Wagnerian. “C-Captain Happily Married?” she forced out between torrents of giggles. “Really. Captain. Happily. Married. What, Commitment Man was taken? Who’s your sidekick, Define the Relationship Boy? Captain, please, I’m sorry, I…I just…” she took several deep breaths. “Okay. Okay. I’m good. We can have our dramatic battle now. Okay.” She almost looked like she was going to hold it together, but then she took a look at the good captain’s scowling face and dissolved into veritable gales of hilarity. Truth be told, Mayor Flanbury was hard-pressed to stifle a chortle himself. From what he’d heard, Captain Happily Married didn’t exactly rank up there with the big guns of the superhero community.

The Wedding Warrior waited until the guffawing Lady Wagnerian had finally managed to calm down again. Then, without saying a word, he reached into his utility belt and produced several white objects. Moving rapidly he snapped them together, until they formed a larger cylinder as thick as his arm. “Ooh,” Lady Wagnerian asked, a little sarcastically, and evidently straining hard not to break out into laughter again, “What’s that do?”

Captain Happily Married smiled. “The unity candle thing? That wasn’t just a metaphor.” *click*.

“Was that a trig-”

*FWOOSH-KABOOM*

“Ow.”

Mayor Flanbury’s jaw dropped. “A Unity Flamethrower?”

“Yep,” Captain Happily Married said, dismantling the flamethrower and packing the pieces back into his utility belt. . “She shouldn’t be a problem, now. Well, Mr. Mayor, I must be going. Good has triumphed once more, and the city is safe. Farewell!” With a final overly dramatic wave, he started back into the sky.

“No,” Lady Wagnerian snarled, staggering to her feet, her eyes wild and her hair still smouldering, “No, no, no, I did not just get beaten by an uber-dork like y-”

All at once a round, black-and-white object dropped out of the sky, bonking Lady Wagnerian on the head. She stared quizzically at it. “Okay, why did I just get hit by a soccer ball, and….why is it beeping?”

*beep…beep…beep….beepbeepbeepbeepbeeeeeeeeWHOOMPF.*

“….ow….”

Mayor Flanbury was reaching a whole new level of surprise. “Super Soccer Mom? You’re with Super Soccer Mom?”

Captain Happily Married smiled for the first time since he’d flown in. “Oh yeah.” Then, with a final snap of his cape, he soared away into the sky.

Note: This story was based loosely on Prompt Number Thirty-Two of the Chrysalis Experiment.

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4 Comments
  1. HA! Loved it. That’s one of my favorite Christmas songs, incidentally. Of course, I have 72.3 favorite Christmas songs. Approximately.

    • Yeah, it’s one of my favorites too. And incidentally, if my stats are correct, yours is my two hundredth comment! Woohoo! Bravo! Etc.! 😛

  2. Loosely based, but tightly-written! Well done!

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