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An Exchange of Witches

by on October 12, 2011

My law school experience continues to be a veritable spring of inspiration. In today’s Property class, the professor made reference to the Wicked Witch of the West. That reference kept bubbling away in my subconscious as the day went on, and suddenly I had an idea. What would happen if the Wicked Witch and the White Witch from Narnia switched places?

Well, first, as a friend of mine on Facebook pointed out, the Wicked Witch of the West would get pretty well curbstomped in Narnia. Her weakness is water, right? In Narnia, the waters live. She’d be melted away with one splash from the littlest Naiad. Ah, you say, but she has an army of flying monkeys! Yes, but the Narnians have Dwarves, and Dwarves (as we tragically learned in The Last Battle) are deadly archers. Boom; no more flying monkeys.

On the other hand, I shudder to think what would happen if Jadis, the White Witch, landed in Oz. For starters, Jadis does not melt upon contact with water. In fact, she wields impressive strength, such that she can snap iron bars right off lamp-posts with her bare hands.Β  Secondly, I don’t recall offhand what exactly the Wicked Witch’s powers were, beyond the whole summoning of the flying monkeys bit, but Jadis’s powers are vastly more impressive. In Narnia, she could turn people into solid stone. Worse, she held the entire country in the grip of the Hundred Years of Winter (“Always winter, and never Christmas! Think of that!”). And keep in mind, Narnia wasn’t even her home world. Her home world was Charn. In Charn, she had the ability to turn objects and people into dust by the recitation of a single spell. Worst of all, she knew the secret of the Deplorable Word. She only used it once, in a civil war against her sister, but once was enough. What does the Deplorable Word do, you ask? Rather than try to describe it, I’ll let The Magician’s Nephew tell the story, in Jadis’s own chilling words.

The last great battle raged for three days here in Charn itself. For three days I looked down upon it from this very spot. I did not use my power until the last of my soldiers had fallen, and the accursed woman, my sister, at the head of her rebels was halfway up those great stairs that lead up from the city to this terrace. Then I waited till we were so close that we could see one another’s faces. She flashed her horrible, wicked eyes upon me and said, “Victory.”

“Yes,” said I, “Victory…but not yours.” Then I spoke the Deplorable Word. A moment later, I was the only living thing beneath the sun.

The White Witch doesn’t just threaten to “get you, my pretty, and your little dog too.” She’ll annihilate you and your little dog. If she were in Oz, you could bid farewell to the Emerald City. About the only hope they’d have of survival is if the White Witch’s magic doesn’t work; it didn’t when she landed in early 1900s London. But even then she still possessed her incredible strength, and probably would find new magics anyway. Her Charn spells didn’t work in Narnia, so what does she do? She learns new spells, and calls down the Hundred Years of Winter. Incidentally, did I mention she’s immortal?

Yeah. Dorothy should be very grateful that she only faced the melty Wicked Witch, Anemone or Enema or whatever that musical named her. Because if Dorothy had run up against Jadis, she wouldn’t be somewhere over the rainbow; she’d be a little heap of dust, or maybe a stone statute, or just wiped from existence. Unless of course Aslan got into Oz too….and wouldn’t that be an interesting movie?


  1. Dude, you’re making the study of law sound way more interesting than I expected! πŸ˜› Maybe you just have good lecturers!! I have a friend studying law here who talked about property law as some of the most boring stuff she’d ever encountered.

    BTW, left you an award:

    SORRY!! πŸ˜›

    • I do have awesome lecturers. πŸ˜› Of course, even then, I will readily admit some of this stuff isn’t exactly as thrilling as a thrilling thing that’s thrilling. But it helps when the lecturer explains why the minutia is important, because a lot of times it can have big real-world consequences. And thanks for the award! I shall respond appropriately, right after I knock out a post on The Incredibles and contract law that is burning in my brain. πŸ™‚

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