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Catrina and Perry, Sittin’ in a Tree

by on October 27, 2011

And now, another episode in the Catrina Chronicles. Enjoy!

“So…” Catrina said. “Now what?”

Perry didn’t know. After all their experiences, the weasel mob, the giant snake, the fights with Susan, and several other dramatic events that he didn’t even know about because they’d happened in an alternate time loop, here they were, at the end-point of their quest. Now they had to face the problem they’d ignored all this time. Before them lay Princess Ermingard, slumbering peacefully. She could only be awakened by True Love’s Kiss. The trouble was, the appointed True Love’s Kisser, Prince Roderick, had run off to marry someone else generations before. Catrina, the descendent of the faithless Roderick, had sworn to find a way to wake Ermingard up and redeem her family honor. But, now that she’d come to the point, she didn’t have a clue how to go about it.

She decided to try the direct approach. Walking up to Ermingard’s side, Catrina bent down, sucked in a breath, and yelled in Ermingard’s ear, “WAKE UUUUUUUUP!” It was singularly unsuccessful. Ermingard didn’t even sniffle.

“Okay,” Catrina said. “Maybe there’s a loophole. There’s always a loophole, right? Always the exception? Okay. She can only be awakened by True Love’s Kiss. Well, obviously, Roderick wasn’t really her True Love, so maybe….maybe there’s another guy? Maybe if we could find another prince and get him in her and he’ll fall in love…”

“But you can’t fall in love with someone just by looking at them,” Perry objected. “Not True Love, anyway. You have to get to know them, their personality, their likes and dislikes, that their favorite color is violet.”

My favorite color is violet.”

“Oh?” Perry coughed. “Right. Imagine that. Well. Erm….so, what I was trying to say was-”

“Wait!” Catrina gasped. “True Love’s Kiss. It doesn’t say that she’s the one that has to be kissed, does it? Any True Lovers Kissing would do it, wouldn’t it? So all we need to do is find two people who truly love each other and bam! Problem solved!”

“We might not need to look very far,” Perry mumbled.

“What?”

It was then that the sidekick decided to do something few sidekicks had ever done. He gathered himself together, and frantically tried to think of an appropriate simile. “Catrina, I think….I mean, when I think about you, you’re…you’re like….a sponge.”

A long silence fell in the cavern. Catrina’s face twitched. “A sponge.”

Perry could’ve kicked himself. That was the best simile he could think of? Not my luv is like a red, red rose, not “The Star of the County Down”, but….a sponge? Still, it was the best he had, so he decided to run with it.

“Yes. Exactly. See, before I met you, all I did was muddle about in the library and sort things in alphabetical order. I didn’t really get to see much. Like a window that’s all smudgy. But then I met you, and since then I’ve seen mountains, and valleys, and P.O.U.S’s, and cities named after kumquats, and a bunch of tiny angels, and…and it’s like you wiped the window clean and now things are brighter, and I know it sounds awfully sentimental, but…”

“No,” Catrina said quietly, an unusual note in her voice, “it’s not sentimental. It’s….you’re….nice.” She could’ve said something more eloquent, but to be perfectly honest she wasn’t thinking about phraseology just then. She moved towards Perry, and then-

It is important to interject at this point that Catrina and Perry were being completely irresponsible. Catrina, especially, since she knew she was a story character, ought to have known better. She should have known that when two characters realize they have feelings for each other and that their relationship was Meant To Be, and when they start moving in for the First Kiss, something disastrous always happens. Dr. Octopus hurls a car through a window. The Agrabah palace guards smash into the room and drag the hero off to jail.  It’s happened a million times. Catrina should have readied her lightsaber, or kept one eye open to look out for trouble. But…she didn’t.  And so, just before the magical moment happened, just as she had closed her eyes and Perry had closed his and a chorus of violins was starting somewhere…

*zi-SPLORTCH*

“Perry? PERRY!”

He collapsed to the ground with a vaguely startled gasp, as if he’d expected something to happen but not quite that. Catrina looked up and saw Susan standing at the entrance to the cave., smelling of burnt panda and running a hand lovingly over her laser rifle. “Oh dear. I shot your boyfriend. Oopsie.”

“You. Did. NOT.”

“Oh, I did. What, did you think this was going to be all “bye-bye boys and have fun storming the castle?” You think this was going to be easy? You just had to chase me off with the magic panda, solve the puzzle, wake the princess, and fun’s over? Oh, no, Catrina. I’m your evil nemesis, remember? I am the wisdom tooth that you have to get extracted right before your second legal memo’s due. I am the interstate bridge that closes down and fouls up your city’s traffic pattern for months on end. I am the movie adaptation that totally ruins your favorite childhood story! I am-”

Catrina had five or six witty retorts she could have used. A whole speech, even. But just at that moment she’d had quite enough of words. In fact, she’d had quite enough of Susan. She’d lost count of how many times she’d fought her nemesis in this story arc alone. She’d chased Susan away with a Panda of Unusual Size, she’d dropped a blasted Jumbotron on the woman, and she kept coming back. Now Susan had zapped Perry, and Catrina could maybe have a chance to save Perry’s life with CPR or something, but of course Susan had interrupted her. Honestly! This was too much!

She knew what would happen. She would draw her lightsaber, they’d fight, she would probably win, but Susan would get away just like every villain with every hero, and then later on Susan would come back, and the whole thing would start all over again. Catrina considered that prospect in a second’s flash of thought, and knew she couldn’t take it anymore. So, she-

Oooh, and we’re out of time. Will Catrina finally defeat Susan once and for all? Will she ever get her magic moment with Perry? Will they eer figure out how to wake up Ermie? What is the legal definition of a chicken? To find out, stay tuned for the next episode and the dramatic conclusion of Catrina’s second story arc, The Secret of Shmirmingard.

Also, this story was written using Prompt Forty-Three of the Chrysalis Experiment.

 

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8 Comments
  1. Fabulous onomonopeia usage there! 🙂 And I do wonder what the legal definition of a chicken is…

    • In point of fact, there was a whole case my Contracts class read for last week wherein the parties were quarreling about the proper definition of a chicken. “Plaintiff argued a chicken meant a young chicken, suitable for broiling or frying. Defendant argued a chicken was any bird of the genus, included stewed chicken, which plaintiff pejoratively terms fowl”. The judge ruled that the plaintiff hadn’t proved their case, so the defendant won. So, basically, in New York law, a chicken is legally….a chicken. ….I love law school. 😛

      • Love it! I’m gonna have to share that with my law school friend here 🙂

  2. LOL. You know, you’ve gotta admire a chick like Susan…she just NEVER DIES! I guess Catrina doesn’t either;)

    • Technically, Catrina has died twice. She just keeps getting resurrected. I can’t let her go! 😛

  3. I wish I had a lightsaber…

  4. For the record, I read this story in full and in the proper context now 😛 Must read on!

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