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Bam, Said Catrina

by on October 31, 2011

Last time, in the Catrina Chronicles, our soon-to-be-NaNo-novelized heroine was facing Susan….again. It was rather like having ants invade your bathroom. You squish ’em and squish ’em and squish ’em, you explain to them that you don’t go crawling around their anthills so you’d appreciate it if they didn’t crawl around your bathroom, you point out to them the tiny little smushed bits of their fallen comrades and warn them of their horrible fate if they persist, and yet, one morning, just as you’re taking your shower, there the little suckers are, tootling across the toothpaste. For Catrina, Susan was her ant. No matter how many times she squished her, she just kept coming back. And of course now she had a laser rifle, with which she had just shot Perry, a situation which was quite dire indeed.

With a sigh, Catrina moved her hand towards her lightsaber. If they were going to have their fight scene, might as well get it over with quickly so she could get back to saving her boyfr-wait. What? Had she really started thinking of Perry as that? Holy Hannah in a hailstorm, she had not expected-

*zi-KERSPLIT*

Her lightsaber tumbled away in pieces. Susan smirked. “You really shouldn’t moon out like that when you’re going for your blade. And, you know what, I think this is the second time I’ve smashed your lightsaber. I’m curious; how did you get it back? I distinctly remember smashing it back in Character Hell, just before you dropped the JumboTron on me. Thank you for that, by the way.”

Catrina honestly couldn’t remember how she’d gotten it back (“darn continuity errors”, she grumbled under her breath), but she had a few more pressing matters to worry about just then. Like the fact that Susan was now aiming her laser rifle directly at her face. “Eh, who cares? You’ve lost it again. And now, unless you surrender, I am going to vaporize your head. You’ll be like whatsisname, the headless horseman. Except you’ll actually be the headless horsewoman….horseperson? What’s the proper form of that? I don’t know. I don’t care!” Her finger tightened on the trigger. “Hello, my name is Susan. I killed your mother! Prepare to die!”

The princess was about to consider protesting against Susan’s inversion of the classic Inigo Montoya quote, when she saw a flicker of movement in her peripheral vision. Catrina smiled, the slow half-smile that had crossed her face so often before, and which never meant anything pleasant to her enemies. Susan noticed the smile and paused before pulling the trigger. “Um…why are you smiling?”

“Because I’ve thought it over and you know what? You win. I surrender.”

“What.”

“Yep,” Catrina said, raising her hands. “I totally surrender. You’re the supreme mistress of all Character Hell. You win. Bravo.”

Susan was thoroughly flummoxed. “So….if I blast Ermingard to smithereens here…”

“Go ahead,” Catrina replied, shrugging nonchalantly. “She’d probably be irritating anyway. Sleeping all that time, she’d have terrific morning breath. You’re doing us all a favor.”

“But…but…you’re not supposed to do that! You’re supposed to fight bravely to the bitter end!”

“Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. Returned it. I’m done, okay? You win. Hooray for the forces of evil. Can I go now?”

Catrina almost (but not quite) felt sorry for Susan, who looked terribly confused and bewildered. “You…but…I thought…” the poor incarnation of evil took in a breath and played her last card. “But what about your boyfriend?”

“What boyfriend? Oh, him.” Catrina had to work very hard to stifle her emotions just then. “Meh. The relationship would’ve been too complicated anyway. Might as well cut my losses and move on.”

“But….but…” Susan stammered. She was totally done in. “But…I don’t….understand….”

“What are you, the Bear from The Last Battle? Get this through your thick head, Su; I don’t want to fight you.”

“But…” Susan had a fondness for that word, which was probably why she kept repeating it. “Then….what do you want?”

Catrina’s smile grew just a tick wider. “You know what I want? What I really really want?”

“Yes, do tell me what you want, what you really really want.”

“I want you to turn around.”

It was a testament to how utterly confuzzled Susan was that she fell for what was probably the oldest trick in the book. She turned around. A hand flashed forward, grabbed her nose, and gave it just the slightest two-degrees-left tweak. Susan blinked, swayed, and fell over.

“Zig-a-zig ha,” Catrina said. “And thank you, Colin.”

The mime assassin emerged from the shadows. “No trouble at all, milady. I am ever at your disposal.”

“Ah, you didn’t use to talk like that, did you?”

“No, I cannot say as I did,” the Master of Very Sharp Knives replied, in an accent somewhere between Sean Bean and Mr. Bean. “But then I went away to a country quite far from here and picked up a few pointers from my old school chum, Margaret the Vocal Coach Commando. Jolly helpful, Margaret was. She even taught me the Vocal Coach Nose Tweak of Sudden Paralysis.”

“Oh. So that’s where you’ve been all this time. Well, that’s good to kn-” suddenly she remembered. “Perry!”

She spun about and dropped to her knees, frantically starting CPR on her fallen sidekick. “C’mon,” Catrina breathed as she worked, “c’mon, c’mon, c’mon!”

He wasn’t breathing. Catrina worked harder, as tears welled in her green eyes. They’d defeated the villain, finally, once and for all, and now her fairy tale was supposed to have a happy ending, and….this wasn’t happy. “This isn’t supposed to be one of those deconstructions where the good guys die all the time,” Catrina exclaimed, “they’re supposed to live! C’mon, Perry, darn it, live!”

But he wasn’t. Colin sighed. He had feared this might happen. He knew enough stories to know that the love interest often went to Character Heaven in the end. Unless…”Catrina, have you tried kissing him?”

“What?”

“Milady, verily, there are many stories where the prince brings the princess back to life with a kiss, and on occasion it is the other way around. Perhaps-“

She didn’t hesitate. And she didn’t do a little teensy half-weepy peck either, no, Catrina hauled back and kissed him so hard the smerp of it echoed through the cave and all the way up to Kumquat City. Fifteen sleeping princesses across the continent snapped awake and fell right out of bed onto the floor (this was a bit of a problem for Princess Sasha of Plaznik, who’d fallen asleep on top of a blimp. Fortunately she landed upon a conveniently placed field of mattresses.) As has been noted in other works, *coughThePrincessBridecough*, there have been five great kisses throughout history. This one rewrote the definition of the word, then went back to the Old English root cyssan and rewrote that definition too. And where most kisses are backed by lovely romantic violin music, when Catrina kissed Perry, a full-fledged orchestra and choir burst out into a thunderous rendition of Catrina’s Theme, set to Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries.

“I’M CATRINA, I’M A PRINCESS, I DON’T KILL WABBITS, THAT’S NOT WHAT I DOOOOO! I’M CATRINA, THIS IS MY THEME SONG, I DON’T LIKE SUSAN, NEITHER SHOULD YOUUUUU!

Ermingard had, of course, snapped awake almost instantaneously, flew off her bed, and cannoned into the cave wall. She picked herself up and looked around. “Oh. True love’s kiss. Nice.”

Just then, Perry’s eyes flew open. “Mmph!” he exclaimed.

“Perry!” Catrina rejoiced.

“murble…” the unconscious Susan murbled.

A crash from the far end of the cave. Then, “Oh! I say! Colin!”

“Margaret!” Colin exclaimed delightedly.

“Um…” Ermingard said.

And so, they all lived happily ever after. Pretty much. Except for the thing that came later on. And the meteor. And then there was-

“HEY!” Catrina exclaimed. “Can’t we just enjoy the moment?”

Right. And so, once again, they all lived happily ever after.

Note: this story was written using Prompt Forty-Four of the Chrysalis Experiment. For more in the Catrina Chronicles, go here. Thanks for reading!

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7 Comments
  1. THAT was quick! hehe

    I don’t want to face Chrysalis right now 😦 Maybe I’ll wait till the weekend as usual……………. It’d be cool if I could factor it into NaNo as you have done here!

    • Yep; I needed to wrap up her story arc so I could focus on her actual novel. Start from scratch, and so forth. I think it’s a new personal record…lol.
      November certainly is a busy month. Chrysalis, NaNo, exams, the holiday season begins..ah, glorious hectic chaos.

  2. Spice Girls, blimps and Old English roots. Can’t wait for the novel!

    P.S. I’d totally forgotten she wasn’t supposed to have a light saber, lol

    • ironically, so had I. Catrina’s life is so eventful it’s hard to keep all the little details straight. 🙂

  3. Great job! You never fail to please!

  4. But you still made the reappearing light saber make sense, what with continuity weirdness 😀

    Great ’round-up’ to the story! I can’t believe I actually reached some kind of ending in this – even if there is a new beginning to get to after! hehe

    • Laser rifles are a really good way to take care of continuity weirdness, I have found. 😛

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