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A Pause for Exposition and a Cameo

by on March 7, 2012

Millions and millions of years ago, so far back in the annals of time that the Mayans hadn’t even started a daily planner yet, let alone a calender predicting the apocalypse, there lived a race of super-intelligent aliens known as the Qirpysnirkets, a word that’s pretty much untranslatable in English (which, to everyone’s great surprise, these aliens couldn’t speak at all.) Mostly the Qirpysnirkets sat around and posed incredibly complex philosophical questions to each other, accompanied by occasional drinks of their version of alcohol. One day, being pretty well bored and also fairly inebriated, the Qirpysnirkets decided to create a set of silverware. But not just any silverware, oh no; this wasn’t even silver. The Qirpysnirkets, in their inebriated boredom, called on one of the most powerful forces in existence, a force known to all (and particularly posters in a certain NaNoWriMo forum thread) as….the Woobie. From the Woobie, a concentrated essence of snuggly something offering comfort in times of stress, the Qirpysnirkets formed the mystical element known as woobinite. Then they made forks and spoons out of it. But they failed to appreciate the true power of the woobinite-ware. To their surprise, each piece proved to have incredible powers. The Spoon, with its curved edges and bendable form, gave powers of defense and protection. The Fork, with its keen pointy-ness, conferred powers of attack. But the Knife, with its jagged edge, conferred the darkest powers of all. And so it was that one particularly deranged Qirpysnirket, after consuming more than the usual amount of alcohol-equivalent drinks, stole the Knife of Woobinite and horribly murdered nearly all of his fellow Qirpysnirkets. Then, to make absolutely sure of his victory, he smashed the Spoon and the Fork in two.

Little did he know that his victory wasn’t quite as absolute as all that. One Qirpysnirket had survived. She rescued the pieces of the Spoon and the Fork, forged them together, and from their mystical fragments created an entirely new weapon, a device that embodied both defense and attack: the Spork!  Then, from that First Spork, she made more, and still more, and gathered other aliens and gave them the sporks to seek out the Dark Qirpysnirket and his evil Knife-equipped minions, and so, the intergalactic peacekeeping organizing known as the Spork Brigade was formed. The Spork Brigadiers, none of whom bear the slightest resemblance to Ryan Reynolds, patrol countless sectors throughout the galaxies, each one staying relentlessly true to the Spork Brigade’s Oath:

In scary nights, and shiny noons,

We wield together Fork and Spoons.

Let those who prey on helpless dorks:

beware our fury! We have Sporks!

The Spork Brigade has served with honor in the milennia since its founding, keeping the peace on innumerable worlds throughout the galaxies, and occasionally fundraising by selling commemorative plates with the Spork Brigade logo (only 12.99! order now!) Their missions were the stuff of legend. Their defense of the planet Contra Preferenda Prime, for example, which all began with the revision of an administrative regulation by the Preferendan third prefecture in-


In the third volume of the Preferendan Register, released in the fifth-

Oh, that does it. Look, author? I really hate to interrupt your fascinating lecture on some planet’s political history or whatever, but don’t you think that’s a wee bit too much exposition? Honestly.

No, Catrina, as a matter of fact, I don’t think it’s too much exposition. I can’t introduce the Spork Brigade in Emingard’s subplot of the Catrina Chronicles just right off the bat, can I? I’ve got to provide the reader with some relevant background, no? Otherwise they’ll be lost. They won’t know what’s going on.

Right, because the Catrina Chronicles have been so faithful to their continuity until now. It’s not like you changed my name mid-episode or anything. Oh. Wait. You did. Thanks for that, by the way. I had to order new stationary and everything, because you couldn’t leave my name alone, could you? Nooooo.

I beg to differ. I didn’t change your name; that was all Susan’s fault when she-

Someone say my name?

Oh blast. Not you again. 

Yeah, me. And guess what: I get the bold font AND italics, and you don’t. Neener neener neener.

…well, the maturity level of this conversation just skyrocketed into the stratosphere.

Maturity level? Really? This from a person who turned into a penguin? That’s some real meaningful character development you got going there, ya moron.

That WAS meaningful! I was challenging the constraints on my existence imposed on me against my will by a seemingly omnipotent yet flawed external force! It posed deep epistemological issues about the very nature of reality! That’s about as meaningful as you can get!

Do you even know what the word epistemological means? *Mph*. Heh. Epistemological. That’s just funny.

You have a foul mind.

I’ve got a foul mind? I wasn’t the one throwing myself at that librarian dork at the end of my story arc, now was I? Not to mention how you were practically drooling over Myron back before he tricked you into getting yourself possessed. Speaking of, boy, it was real fun being in your head and getting access to all your memories. Like the little mash note you wrote whatshis name. I’m curious, did you ever find a rhyme for ‘fondestly’?

…oh, you did not.

Oh I think I just did. Twip.

Cliched monologuing antagonist! 

Sanctimonious overbearing heroine!

THAT does it. En garde!






Well. This story’s pretty much totally derailed now. I suppose I could start from the beginning. Or perhaps just pick it up next week where I left off.



Stuff it.”

“You first.”

“En garde, again!”

*fighting ensues*

Right. Well, while Susan and Catrina are resolving their differences in a frank exchange of viewpoints and inflictions of bodily injury, I do hope you enjoyed this latest episode of Ermingard’s Quest for the Golden Spleen, a dramatic subplot of the Catrina Chronicles. Granted, we didn’t actually hear from Ermingard, or advance the plot in a meaningful way other than a bit of exposition, but still. It’s about the journey, not the destination. Or something. Anywho. Stay tuned for more as the saga continues! Probably.

  1. Very cool direction! I love the opening; some of your best work!

    • Thanks; I was attempting to parody the opening of the Green Lantern movie; glad to know it was a success. 🙂

  2. We have sporks!

  3. Bah ha! You should post this in one of the Nano threads, or at least a snippet. I now want to be a member of the Spork Brigade, by the way. Not because I have a stitch of do-gooder in me, but because of the rhymes in the Oath. lol. I loved the segue.

    • I just might do that; I was definitely inspired by all the wonderful fun of the Spork Room thread.

      You can definitely be a member of the Spork Brigade. It’s a proud and noble tradition. 😛 I think their only requirement is you have to have a spork, which you can get at any KFC these days. Lol.

  4. “let those who prey on helpless dorks” – niiiiiice! 😉 Also: “The Spork Brigadiers, none of whom bear the slightest resemblance to Ryan Reynolds,” love it 😛

    Yet again Catrina appears, I love it how she does that. and ye olde faithful Susan showed up too, wheeee!

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Fr. Matthew P. Schneider, LC

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