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In Which Catrina Learns to Appreciate the Little Things in Life

by on July 13, 2012

And now, the very special Fiftieth Episode of the Catrina Chronicles.

The library of Shmirmingard Castle was filled with books, books of all kinds, more books than one could read in a lifetime, although that particular phrase had lost its meaning for Catrina, given how often she’d been killed off and resurrected. She’d technically been through five or six lifetimes, and she wasn’t overmuch of a reader anyway. She gave a nearby globe a perfunctory bored spin, then noticed that the story had started. Catrina turned happily to the audience. “Hi there,” she began. “I’ve been informed by my author that, as this is the Fiftieth Episode, we’re not really going to do anything original or adventure-y, we’re just going to have a lot of flashbacks to previous episodes, while I provide riveting commentary. Katrina tells me that in what you call television, this is referred to as a clip show. I’m told these are wildly popular! So let’s start, shall we?” Catrina sighed nostalgically. “I remember the very first story, way back when my name was Caitlin and I spent many happy hours romping in the thins and spinneys…now that I mention it, I’m not actually sure what a spinney is, or why I should romp in it. I hope my author didn’t just have me repeat a quote from some other hilarious television show.”

Before Catrina could finish explaining to her author that this was not in fact the “Ham Radio” episode of Frazier and she was not Nigel Fairservice, and she hadn’t even been to Surrey, one of the library windows exploded in a shower of glass. Susan catapulted in, struck a dramatic villainous pose, and promptly shot Catrina with a raygun. There was a blinding magenta flash of light, and Catrina disappeared.

***

Catrina opened her eyes. “Oh blast,” she exclaimed. “She’s done it again. I hate, I just hate it when she does that.” She looked around. Unfortunately, all she could see was perfect dark. Fortunately, she had her Sporksaber still clipped to her belt. Catrina drew it out and flicked the button that ignited the blade, her eyes widening as its red glow raced out around her, snapping away the shadows. She was thoroughly befuddled.

She appeared to be inside a large cavern. Below her, the ground was a dark red and slightly springy. To either side, white walls of some indefinable substance rose high above her. The walls were awfully close together, so that Catrina didn’t have too much room to move about. Then she heard a low gurgle. Catrina brought her Sporksaber to a ready position, tensing for possible battle. Suddenly an orange slimy sort of creature dropped from above her, landing on the red ground and gurgling aggressively at her. Catrina was about to attack it when all at once everything changed.

With a sudden jerk, the ground shifted, tilting sideways so rapidly that Catrina was thrown against one of the white walls. She clung frantically to it with one hand (her other hand was still holding the Sporksaber), bracing herself as the ground kept titling, until it had become the ceiling. Catrina almost fell, but she managed to keep holding on to the mysterious white wall, flipping around and balancing herself upon a convenient but very narrow ledge. New light spilled into the strange cavern, pale and distant, and there was a sudden fierce torrent of wind that nearly tore Catrina from her precarious perch. The whole cavern jolted and rocked as if caught up in an earthquake. The orange slimy creature seemed content to cling to the ground, which had now become the ceiling, though it still made menacing growls in Catrina’s direction. “Well,” Catrina said, just as the light went out. “This is fun. I wonder where I-”

Then light spilled in again, and a tide of water rushed in, swamping Catrina. Except, even as she kept her mouth tight shut so she wouldn’t drown, she realized it wasn’t quite water, it was….fizzing? And it had a taste too, not quite lemon, not quite lime, but somewhere in between….then the wave passed and she could open her mouth again. To her dismay, the orange slimy creature had grown significantly, and now it had several nasty looking tentacles. It flexed one of them, and the tentacle morphed into a razor-sharp blade. Catrina had the uncomfortable suspicion that the creature meant to stab that blade into one of her vital organs. She heard a distant, cavernous rumble, and suddenly a burst of wind rushed past her again. The wind smelled odd too, almost reminding her of a hot dog she’d had during her brief excursion in Edison City, after that whole battle with the zombie penguins thing. A slow realization began to form in her mind. “Oh, no,” Catrina said. “No, no, this can’t happen. This can’t possibly-”

But she was interrupted again by an even fainter rumble, a rumble that almost, if she listened hard enough, sounded like words. She couldn’t quite make it out, but then a new roar commenced, much closer, in thunderous tones that boomed about her head. “OMG MOM! I’M FLOSSING ALREADY! HONESTLY!”  A second later, a gigantic white rope the size of a barrel appeared below Catrina, and scraped against the white wall she was clinging to, coming just short of her boots perched on the enamel ledge.

Catrina gasped in shock. “I’m….I’m in someone’s mouth! I’m a tiny person in someone’s mouth! What! How! Who!” But she knew who. Well, she didn’t know in whose mouth she was (and she didn’t exactly want to know) but she knew who was responsible. “Susan,” Catrina snarled. “Oh, I am going to end you.”

But she didn’t have time for thoughts of vengeance, for suddenly the orange slimy creature lunged for her, slashing wildly with its blade-tentacle. Catrina fought back, cutting and stabbing with her Sporksaber. The creature dodged her first several blows, but then Catrina landed a solid strike that sent it back reeling in pain. Sadly it reeled just a little too far back, and it fell down, smack onto the massive string of floss, whereupon it was carried off into the void beyond. Catrina hoped fervently that it would end up in whatever hellish underworld was reserved for orange slimy plaque monsters. The question now was, what was she supposed to do?

The voice from above sounded again. “ERG,” it bellowed. “I’VE STILL GOT, LIKE, SOMETHING STUCK IN THERE!” A huge wooden beam, pointed at one end, stabbed into the cavern, nearly hitting Catrina. “ALMOST GOT IT!” the voice boomed.

Catrina didn’t think she could escape the toothpick for long. She sighed in resignation. “So, this is how I’m going to die, again,” she mused. “Microscopic. Done in by a toothpick. I must say, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind for the big fiftieth episode. What happened to the nostalgic flashbacks?”

The toothpick swooped in one more time, and Catrina lost her balance, plummeting into the void. She stabbed her Sporksaber into the side of the toothpick, clinging fiercely to the Sporksaber’s grip as the ginormous pick carried her away from the cranny between the girl’s front teeth. Then the girl gave the toothpick a single flick, and the Sporksaber ripped away from the toothpick’s wood by sheer force, and Catrina found herself flying through the air. Fortunately she landed on an immensely soft and plushy surface, at which time she discovered that she had actually grown by a few millimeters. “Oh, good,” she said, “this must be wearing off.” Unfortunately, Catrina then realized two more things. First, she had landed on a huge stuffed teddy bear. Secondly, as she was now roughly spider-sized, the girl had finally noticed her. “EW! A SPIDER! A SPIDER! EW! EW!” A tennis shoe the size of a small house (to Catrina’s viewpoint, anyway), slammed down around her. “DIE, SPIDER! DIE DIE DIE!”

Catrina did the only thing she could, running frantically down the teddy bear’s head and leaping onto the nearest blanket, dashing across the girl’s bed and trying to avoid the rain of blows from her shoe. “This is not exactly how I envisioned the fiftieth episode!” she yelled to no one in particular, as she neared the edge of the bedspread. Then she stopped, peering over its edge. The floor was a very long way down for her, and the girl seemed poised to smash her out of existence. “SPIDER!” she kept yelling. “SPIDERSPIDERSPIDER!”

“So this would be the end, then,” Catrina said stoically. “Being mistaken for a spider and smashed. Not the most heroic death ever. C’est la vie.” She turned, and offered a tiny salute to the looming girl with her shoe. “I regret that I have but one life to give for my story!” she declaimed.

Then, dramatically, a small white ship shaped like an elegant comma swooped in, and slashing beams of light surrounded Catrina, and her heart tripped like a person who has just missed their footing on a set of stairs. “The Dangling Participle!” she gasped, and sure enough it was. Next thing she knew she had rematerialized on the ship’s bridge. Ferdinand Roderick Marshalham Willingsford, the Seventh, space hamster and captain of the ship, made an elegant bow. “Our meta-scanners detected your microscopic presence, and we realized we had to intervene! So we reduced our own size and meta-warped here posthaste! Corks, however did you get inside that girl’s teeth?”

“Susan,” Catrina said matter-of-factly. “Happens all the time. Well, not this specifically, but things like it.”

“Zounds!” Ferdinand said. “The fiend!”

“Yes, she is. Can we go back home now?”

“Indeed! Valentina! Set course for mark two-four-seven point eight! Engage!”

Valentine Viktorovna reset the spatial-circumference Benderian sizmographic anomalater, reversed the polarity with her handy Palsgrafic manipulator-wrench, fired up the boson-deflector array, and did some other sci-fi things with complicated names, and the Dangling Participle soared away. Behind them, the girl stood hopelessly confused in her room. “Why…why did a small spaceship just fly in here and carry off a spider?” she asked no one in particular. Then she realized the horrible truth. “The spiders…have spaceships! They’re invading! We’re being invaded by spiders from out space! MOOOOOOOOM!”

Fortunately, however, spiders were not in fact invading from outer space or anywhere else, and so she, Catrina, and the space hamsters all lived happily ever after.

This has been a very special episode of the Catrina Chronicles. Tune in next time for episode fifty-one, as our normal (so to speak) storylines resume. For previous episodes, go here. Thanks for reading!

 

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7 Comments
  1. My heart goes out to that poor girl who will forever be terrified of space spiders. Very entertaining! 😀

    • Well, at least there aren’t really space spiders. …..or are there? *cue ominous theme*.

  2. hahahahah… I didn’t see this one coming. But then, I could say that about most Catrina episodes 😉

    • I didn’t see it coming either. I asked for some random suggestions from a couple of my Facebook friends; this was the result. ;P

  3. oh, and I still am not sure what that orange tentacle thing was. haha. was it toothpaste? mouthwash? 😉

    • I think it was supposed to be plaque. Or some sort of germ, anyway. 🙂

      • LOL… wow, that is some seriously ‘pro-active’ plaque 😉

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