Skip to content

Yar Har Fiddle-Dee-Dee

by on August 8, 2012

Last time, in the Catrina Chronicles, Catrina got microscopically zapped into someone’s teeth, a mishap that isn’t important to the overall plot in any way. Before that, she had gone off with Perry to be Santa Claus, while Ermingard and Katrina had resolved to go back to Kumquat City in pursuit of Susan and the villainous Doctor What….

Katrina had momentarily forgotten that she was a villain. That was why she had followed Ermingard to a nice little ice-cream place Ermingard had discovered during her brief stay in the 21st century. “Mmm…” Katrina said, “Strawberries. Yummy!”

Ermingard was contemplating the depths of her chocolate milkshake. “The chocolate is smooth, but my life is not. C’est tragique.”

Suddenly Katrina remembered. “Wait a minute. I shouldn’t be eating a strawberry sundae with sprinkles and whipped cream on it! I should be eating something EVIL! Like…an endangered species!” She turned to the proprietor of the ice cream shop. “Do you have, say, a milkshake with baby seal bits?”

Before the horrified proprietor could reply, Ermingard sighed and rose from her stool at the counter. “Do stop bothering the man, Katrina.We have to go find a way to travel back to the 12th century. Saving the world and all that. Again. Always. ” As they left the shop, Ermingard waved a sad goodbye to the ice-cream man.

Outside, Katrina rounded angrily upon her depressed companion. “Okay, then, how do we get back to the 12th century, miss smarty-pants?”

Ermingard shrugged. “I don’t know. There probably isn’t a way, I expect. Not unless someone drops a random clue right in our laps, which is really a very unlikely thing to happen.”

At that moment, an ice cream truck came rolling by, having just dropped off a load of rainbow sprinkles to the shop Ermingard and Katrina had just left. From its cheery speakers came the dulcet tones of the classic song we all know and love…”Yar har fiddle-dee-dee! Being a pirate is alright with me! Do what you want, ’cause a pirate is free! You are a pirate!”

Katrina’s nose crinkled, much like a dyspeptic centipede wishing it hadn’t eaten that last earthworm. Then her eyes lit. “That’s it! Piracy! We’ll become pirates!”

“And this solves our difficulties in what way, exactly?” Ermingard inquired.

Katrina smiled fiercely. “Like, who are the immortal enemies of pirates? Ninjas, obviously. And ninjas have tech. Tech, like time-travel devices. So, we become pirates, the ninjas attack us, we steal their time-travel device, and bam! Problem solved. I love me.”

Ermingard had more than one reservation about this brilliant plan. First of all, she was pretty certain that piracy was illegal, whatever century one was in. Secondly, Edison City was pretty far inland. Pirates naturally had to have pirate ships, and you couldn’t have ships without the ocean, which was five states and a time zone away from where they were. Ermingard tried to explain all this to Katrina, but she would have none of it. “All rivers flow to the ocean, duh. And this place does have a river. So we steal a boat!” She paused. “But first…” Katrina whipped out her green Sporksaber and charged at the ice cream truck before Ermingard could stop her.

Amy Wizowski had gotten into the ice-cream truck business for two reasons. 1) She liked kids, but not quite enough to go the babysitting route, and 2) she needed money to help with college expenses. She’d never had any trouble, which was why she was terribly distressed when a blade of green lolzmic energy slashed through her driver’s side window and aimed right at her face. “To the riverside!” Katrina demanded. “Now!”

“But…” Amy protested. “But it’s not on my route, I have to get this finished by 5 and then I have to study for my World History exam Tues-” Katrina was about to threaten her further with the Sporksaber, maybe run it through her supply of patriotically-colored popsicles, when a spork flew in from nowhere and struck the Sporksaber from Katrina’s hand. Ermingard stepped quietly to the serving hatch of the ice cream truck, walking around Katrina who was diving to collect her Sporksaber and was saying dreadful things. “Forgive her,” Ermingard said to Amy by way of apology. “She’s reacting to the inherent boredom of human existence. It’s a tragedy. I would suggest that she go home and rethink her life, but she wouldn’t listen, I expect. You’ll have to rethink her life for her. Good luck. Carry on.” And she walked away, having resolved to find her own way to the riverfront and not pester poor innocent ice-cream truck drivers. Amy, for her part, went home and rethought her life, decided she wanted to work for NASA, and thus ended up saving the world in the Meteor Crisis of ’34.

A few hours later, Ermingard and Katrina had reached the riverfront. “Yay!” Katrina exclaimed. “Now all we have to do is get a boat, and we’ll be pirates! Because being a pirate is alright with me! I’ll do what I want, ’cause a pirate is free! I am a pirate!”

“I’m not,” Ermingard said. “I’ve never even been to Boston in the fall.”

“In some quarters, that’s a plus!” Katrina insisted. “Right, let’s get a boat!”

“I’ll  get seasick, I shouldn’t wonder. Or get swallowed for three days by a whale.”

“Big fish.”

“Whatever.”

It turned out that Edison City was somewhat short on piratically-appropriate boats, or any boats for that matter. Most of them had gone upriver to Conroyville for a boating convention. Katrina was not deterred. She raided Wal-Mart, stole a hundred Winnie-the-Pooh floaties, tied them all together with rubber bands, looped a SpongeBob Squarepants handheld fan to it, and thus created a serviceable, if somewhat cartoony, raft. She launched it dramatically into the river, breaking a bottle of Mountain Dew over the side. “I christen you….” she paused, to think of an appropriate piratical name.

“The Definitely-Going-to-Sink-When-We-Reach-The-Ocean,” Ermingard suggested.

“Nah, too long,” Katrina said. “No, this worthy vessel shall be called…the Discourteous Shark!”

Ermingard might have protested against this, too, but she decided not to get upset about a vessel that was destined to be torn apart by shrieking eels, or so she expected. And so the piratical corsair vessel Discourteous Shark set sail, its SpongeBob handheld fan set on high, as Katrina bellowed what was rapidly becoming her favorite song. “Yar har fiddle-dee-dee! Being a pirate is alright with me! I’ll do what I want, ’cause a pirate is free! I am a pirate!”

“I’m not,” reiterated Ermingard.

This has been another episode of the Catrina Chronicles. To read past episodes, click here. Also, don’t forget to enter my currently-running contest, mentioned here, in which you could win a copy of Catrina in Space! And as always, thanks for reading.

Advertisements

From → Uncategorized

4 Comments
  1. Sporksaber, huh? Made me laugh (and also made me think of Taco Bell…I want an enchirito now and I don’t think they make them any more :))

    Looks like Katrina just wants adventure, but Ermingard would rather ‘chill’.

    • The Sporksaber: an elegant weapon, for a more civilized age. 🙂

      I did not know that Taco Bell had sporks! I knew KFC did, but I haven’t been to Taco Bell in ages.
      Yeah, Ermingard’s more the chilling sort of person. Katrina does want adventure, and also villainy, because she’s evil. And she doesn’t wash her hands either. (Forgive the obscure Justice League episode reference. Lol.)

  2. Claaaaaassic: “Do you have, say, a milkshake with baby seal bits?”

    And Katrina’s hilarious with her “I love me.” 😉

    Love the very rapid way in which Amy’s life plan changes. haha

    I’m very impressed at Katrina’s raiding of Wal-Mart. She did well to slip by undetected while stealing all those floaties 😉

    • I suspect Katrina would blend in fairly well at Wal-Mart; I’ve been to that store on occasion and there are some very strange people who go. Also a deplorable lack of proper folders. 😛

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Laissez Faire

Letting Life Lead

Delight Through Logical Misery

Taking the sayings,thoughts and themes that make us happy and ruining them with science and logic and then ...um...happiness might come from that. Or at least some sort of smugness that's very similiar.

I Miss You When I Blink

and other classics

rarasaur

frightfully wondrous things happen here.

That Darn Kat

curiouser and curiouser

It's Not About A Church

It's about following Jesus ...

Erin McCole Cupp

Faith, Fiction, and Love No Matter What

that cynking feeling

You know the one I'm talking about . . .

The Cordial Catholic

Cordially explaining the Catholic faith.

The History of Love

The Trials & Tribulations of English Romance, 1660–1837

polysyllabic profundities

Random thoughts with sporadically profound meaning

Stewartry

Book reviews and general nonsense

Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings

You say you want an evolution...

Ned's Blog

Humor at the Speed of Life

%d bloggers like this: