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Another Catrina Christmas, Part Two

by on January 7, 2013

Last time, in the Catrina Chronicles, our holly-jolly heroine had just gotten into a scrap with a deranged snowman whom she had inadvertently given life to. Don’t you just hate it when that happens? Anyway. Roll film!

Catrina didn’t know what to do. She didn’t have much experience fighting deranged living snowmen monsters; her talents went more towards zombie penguins, bad guy minions, and, of course, Susan. The snowman lurched towards her, waving its hefty stick arms and bellowing madly. Catrina backpedaled, dancing round the courtyard and trying to stay out of its way, while she racked her brains for an idea. Ermingard, meanwhile, watched the battle unfold from the sidelines. “You could help, you know!” Catrina called, a little miffed. “You’re supposed to be one of my best friends, and friends usually lend assistance when fighting evil snow monsters!”

Ermingard sighed. “Yes, I suppose you’re right…but it won’t do any good. You watch.” With an air of supreme world-weariness she took out her crossbow and fired off a spork-arrow at the snow monster. The arrow thwacked into its shoulder with a little poof of snow. The snow monster turned to look, its face a puzzlement. “Told you.” Ermingard said. “It didn’t hurt a b-”

At that moment the spork-arrow exploded, disintegrating the snow monster’s shoulder and sending its left stick-arm flipping away into the courtyard. The snow monster howled in wrath and thundered towards Ermingard. “Shoot him again, shoot him again!” Catrina said, hopping up and down in excitement.

“I’m trying!” Ermingard replied, and indeed she was frantically attempting to work another spork-arrow on to her crossbow. Unfortunately the snow-monster’s remaining stick-arm swept down and smashed it from her hands. “Um. ” Ermingard said. “Oh dear. I must say, I didn’t expect to end my life this way. Snow monsters and all. Of course, I didn’t expect the cannibalistic Vikings either. What a peculiar story this is.”

“Did you at least expect the Spanish Inquisition?” Catrina asked.

“Actually, yes, I’d been studying the trends of medieval Europe, you see, and reading reports about the Spanish monarchy and I thought they might try something like-”

But Ermingard was interrupted again as the snow monster raised its arm and brought it down swiftly towards her head, evidently intending to bash it in. Ermingard was quite partial to her head and didn’t much care for the bashing, but she didn’t seem to have much choice. So she closed her eyes and tensed up, hoping it would at least be quick.

Catrina decided that this was the perfect time to intervene. She couldn’t let her best friend get smashed by a snow monster, right? She flourished her Sporksaber and charged in, yelling madly in the hope of distracting the snow monster. It got distracted, all right; it lurched around towards her and swung its mighty stick arm. Stick met spork, and the crimson plasma of her blade slashed right through the snow monster’s arm. The snow monster, now armless, paused, blinking its yellow snow monster eyes (so help me God! yellow eyes!).

“Well now,” said Catrina. “I think this would be a perfect opportunity for you to surrender, don’t you agree? I mean, what are you going to do? Melt on me?”

The snow monster growled something that might have been an assertion of its snow monster invincibility.

“You’re a loony,” replied Catrina.

Loony or not, the snow monster was still very big and bulky, and it suddenly lunged towards Catrina, apparently meaning to sit on her and crush  her underneath its snowy weight. This might have been a problem, except that Catrina had saved one of her Christmas presents from Santa last year, keeping it around for emergencies. She pulled a small purple sugar plum out of her pocket, and tossed it towards the snow monster. The sugar plum landed square on its snowy chest, where it began to beep.

The snow monster looked down, confused again. “Wha?” it growled.

*beep* beep* *beep* beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeeeeeee…..* *WHOOMPF*

“I do so love that sound effect,” said Catrina, as little flakes of snow monster rained down upon her. “Right, I suppose now it’s time to deliver the moral of this little Christmas story. Of course, technically it’s not Christmas anymore, not in America, but I think it’s still being celebrated today by Eastern Orthodox churches in Russia. So.” She paused, trying to think of a Christmas-y life lesson she could impart.

“How about, never try to bring snowmen to life, as it usually ends badly despite what you hear in the songs?” Ermingard suggested.

“Good point,” Catrina observed. “And God bless us, every one. Except for Susan.”

This has been the second part of the annual Christmas episode of the Catrina Chronicles. Tune in next week when Catrina resumes her quest for Mlrning (the Shovel of Thor!) and Ermingard and Katrina go back to being threatened by cannibalistic Vikings.


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  1. Aw, such a touching Christmas story!

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