Ermingard and Katrina…and Melanie!
Last time in the Catrina Chronicles, our heroine was having a lovely holiday adventure. But before that, in the episode “Ermingard and Katrina vs. Vikings”, the aforementioned Ermingard and Katrina had gotten themselves in a bit of peril….
“Oh no!” cried Katrina. “We’re about to be messily devoured by cannibalistic Vikings! How will we ever escape and steal the ninja technology we need so we can travel back to the 12th century and save Catrina’s home from the mysterious and diabolical Doctor What! Especially since Catrina can’t save us since she’s, like, off on her own quest to find Mlrning (The Shovel of Thor!) so she can save her love interest and current Santa Clause, Perry! Whatever shall we do!”
“Apparently we’re going to stand around and exposit some more,” Ermingard said morosely. She had long since given up hope of being rescued, and had progressed on to unhappily wondering which Viking would eat her first. She was betting on the fat one standing on the leader’s left, waving around a viciously-pointed mace. It didn’t look like he had bathed in years. Then again, the rest of the Vikings generally didn’t seem all that hygienic either.
“Don’t be silly, Erm,” Katrina said. “I’ve got to exposit! It’s been, like, forever since our last proper episode and there’s several new readers! They won’t know what’s going on, yo!”
“Oh, well,” Ermingard replied, “I’m sure your one-paragraph summary cleared everything right up for them. Yo.”
“Well, excuuuuse me,” Katrina snapped. “You wanna write a better one?”
Ermingard pondered that; she probably could write a better exposition, and even set it in rhyme. Before she could start, however, the Viking leader said something very loud and very Danish. The Viking next him bellowed heartily, and started towards Ermingard. “Bother,” Ermingard said. “I was right. Well, looks like I’m first. I say, Mr. Unhygenic Viking, sir, I don’t suppose you would mind killing or otherwise rendering me unconscious first, and then eating me? No? No. Oh well. It didn’t hurt to ask.” She braced herself, wondering morbidly where he would start. Maybe she would pass out from the pain before he got very far.
Then, just before she or anyone else was thoroughly creeped out, a sudden shimmery light flashed in the underground cavern. The light flickered about in a desultory way for a few minutes, then finally coalesced in the form of a girl. “Hello,” she said, her ethereal voice echoing round the cave. “I’m Melanie the Imaginary Girlfriend. I’ve come to rescue you!”
“Ah,” said Ermingard. “I didn’t expect that.”
Katrina sniffed. “I think we’re doing quite well on our own, thank you!”
“I am about to be eaten,” Ermingard quite reasonably pointed out. “I don’t think we’re doing very well at all. We could use the help!”
“Help, yes, well…there’s a small catch,” Melanie said. “See, as an Imaginary Girlfriend, I’m only real if people believe in me. Like Tinker Bell, you know. So, if anyone believes, clap your hands! Don’t let Ermingard and Katrina die! Clap!”
And across the vast reaches of the Internet, several real people and a fair number of spammers from Nigeria did clap, and the true meaning of fictitious females came through, and Melanie found the strength of a whole binder of imaginary women! Plus two! With one single blow she knocked the would-be cannibal Vikings all the way back to their ancestral haunts in Scandinavia. Then the Deus Ex Machina Diaried Damsel disappeared in a flash, leaving Ermingard and Katrina to gather up their equipment and resume their search for ninja tech.
“There’s a moral in this somewhere, I’m sure,” Ermingard surmised.
“Don’t look at me, I’m, like, evil,” Katrina said.
“True. Well, back to the quest,” Ermingard sighed. And so the adventure continued.
This has been another exciting episode of the Catrina Chronicles. To read previous episodes, go here. To buy the print version of the Catrina in Space story, or even download it on Kindle, go here. Thanks for reading!
