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by on February 7, 2013

The transport was dead in space. K’pid’s chief engineer couldn’t offer any helpful analysis beyond “engine’s broke”. Her first officer, Commander Florian, hadn’t made any suggestions either, but that wasn’t unusual, for the hyper-intelligent space rock that he was. Come to think of it, K’pid couldn’t recall that he’d ever said a single word. Fleet Command assured her constantly that Florian really was sentient. It had been two years. Not a word.

K’pid started glumly at the rock as it lay on her desk in her ready room, silent as always. “Ideas? Encouraging thoughts? Snappy limericks? Anything?”

The rock didn’t respond. K’pid sighed, and switched on her comm-channel. She could at least try to send out a distress call.

A blotchy green face filled her screen. “Hey there, galactic space traveler! Are you satisfied with your current lifestyle? Do you spend your time-cycles traveling the same parsec over and over again, constantly wishing you could do something more?”

K’pid blinked. “Actually, I-”

“If your answer is yes, then have I got a deal for you! My name’s Fleen Q’pirkington, and I used to be just like you, before I figured out the path to real galactic prosperity! And I’m willing to share my secrets with you in my new book, Warping Your Way to Credits, for only 9.95! (offer void in the K’ardashian cluster).  Yes, for only 9.95 you too can be the most popular and wealthy person in your whole quadrant! But wait, there’s more! If you subspace your credits within the next ten standard time-cycles, you’ll receive a free copy of my previous book, I Kissed Mind-melding Goodbye! Yes, it’s absolutely free! (with a 9.95 purchase plus shipping and handling and applicable sales taxes in your sector). So what are you waiting for! Order n-”


K’pid reached in amidst the fragments of the viewscreen and retrieved Florian from where she had thrown him. Turned out her first officer was useful after all.

This story was written for the Trifecta weekly challenge. I tried to make it self-contained, but it does use characters from previous stories. K’pid’s just fun to write. 


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  1. sentient rock, indeed.

  2. I love the informercial in the sci-fi realm! Awesome!

  3. Why was a hyper-intelligent first officer space rock never a guest star on Star Trek? Or better yet a permanent addition to the cast?

    • A good question. It would’ve shown at least as much emotion as the Vulcan cast members, anyway.

  4. Draug419 permalink

    lol This is great. I’m reading Redshirts right now by John Scalzi and this reminds me of its quirky sci-fi humor (:

  5. Haha…infomercials are everywhere it seems!

  6. I love a story that makes me grin! The info-mercial was perfect. And as for that rock? Showed its best face.

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