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Random Koala

by on May 6, 2013

Last time in the Catrina Chronicles, Krystelle the rogue elf had just been rescued by space treasure-hunter Connecticut Smith and his pilot, the slightly introverted Demi La Monde. Meanwhile, back in Shmirmingard Castle in the 12th century….

Perry knocked lightly on the nursery door. “Come in,” Catrina whispered. “But be careful. I’ve just gotten them to sleep.”

Dutifully he maneuvered the nursery door open so that its hinges didn’t creak. Inside he saw Catrina just adjusting the coverlet around little Tamalyn, while Timothy snored adorably in the next bed over. Perry noticed the book Catrina had tucked under her arm. “‘An Overview of Kitten-Disposition Law’?” he asked curiously.

Catrina shrugged. “It always put me right to sleep. Seems to work for them.” She made one last tuck, gave Tamalyn a motherly pat, and then padded out of the nursery to join Perry in the corridor. “Did you need something?”

“Well,” Perry began, “I was wondering when you were planning to leave.”

“Leave,” Catrina repeated.

“Yes. To get Mlrning. The shovel of Thor. You were on a quest for it. ”

“Oh. Yes. That.”  Catrina hesitated, and scuffled her boots nervously. “I, erm, decided to give that a miss, actually.”

“You what? I thought…”

“Yes,” she said, her voice growing firmer. “I’m not going. Mlrning can stay right where it is. I was only going after it to rescue you. Now you’re here, and we’re back in our proper time period, and that’s that.”

“But….” Perry said. “shouldn’t we make sure it’s safe, just in case?”

“No, we shouldn’t,” Catrina said. “And in point of fact, I’m not particularly in the mood for questing right now anyway.”

“You what?” Perry said, knowing he was repeating himself, but he honestly didn’t know what else to say.

Catrina knew exactly what she wanted to say; she’d been practicing this for several weeks, ever since she’d given birth. She’d even written it out on a flashcard. “Perry, I won’t recite for you the litany of horrible things that have happened to me ever since I left Shmirmingard Castle. I’ve been killed. Multiple times. I’ve experienced two zombie penguin apocalypses. I have been stabbed. I’ve been possessed. I’ve been turned violet, and magenta. I experienced an entire pregnancy in a few minutes because the author wrote me eating some weird alien apricots. I’ve been bounced all over the timeline like a Catrina-shaped ping-pong ball. I’ve miniaturized and transported into the mouth of a tween-aged girl. I could go on. The point is, I’ve just had twins, and I would very much like to spend quality time with them. So I have given up the whole questing business. Someone else can find the Shovel of Thor. It’s not all that important anyway, it isn’t as if he doesn’t have other tools to play around with. So….there you have it.”

“Oh,” Perry said. “I see.”

“Now, don’t you look disappointed at me,” Catrina said, wanting to raise her voice but not wanting to wake the twins. “You can’t understand what I’ve gone through. You only got killed once, and you seemed to deal with that rather well, from what I recall. And, also, you got resurrected right after, as Santa Claus no less. So what do you know?”

Perry looked hurt, and Catrina felt a pang of guilt. She was about to apologize, but at that moment there was a flash of light, and two women Catrina’s age appeared in the corridor. Perry and Catrina recognized them at once. One was Ermingard, Catrina’s poetic and sometimes-depressed best friend whom Catrina had awakened out of an enchanted sleep; the other was Katrina, who spelled her name with a K, and who was Catrina’s evil movie clone version of herself.  For some reason no one could fathom, Katrina was carrying a stuffed blue koala. “Why-” Catrina began to ask.

“Hey,” Ermingard said. “We’re still tracking your nemesis Susan, and what’s his name.”

“Yes, that’s exactly his name!” Katrina snapped. “I don’t know why this is so complicated.”

“Don’t let’s start that again,” Ermingard sighed. “I only wanted to ask if they’ve shown up here yet. I’m sure we don’t have the year right, but she insisted.”

“Er, no,” Catrina said. “I haven’t seen Susan or anyone else villainous around here at all.”

“I knew it. I knew we had the wrong year.”

Well, excuuuuuse me for not setting the koala right. I’m not supposed to be helping you out anyway, remember? I’m evil! I’m a freakin’ malefactress! I should be working with Susan and Doctor What!”

“What?” Catrina said.

“Yes, that’s him.”

“Who’s him?”

“What.”

“I said, who’s him?”

“I heard you the first time! I was replying!”

“But all you said was what.”

“Exactly!”

“Exactly’s his name?”

“No, What’s his name!”

“I don’t know his name,” Catrina rejoined angrily, her voice rising, “I’ve never known his name, I didn’t know his name when you and Ermingard set off to find him!”

Katrina exploded. “I JUST TOLD YOU HIS NAME! IT’S WHAT! WHAT’S HIS NAME!”

“I. DON’T. KNOW.” Catrina yelled back. “THAT’S WHY I ASKED YOU!”

At that moment two simultaneous howls came from the nursery. “Oh bother, they’re awake again!” Catrina exclaimed in a frazzle, and dashed inside, the nursery door slamming shut behind her.

“What was that all about?” Ermingard wanted to know.

“She had babies,” Perry explained. “Twins.”

“Oh really!” Katrina said. “Well well well!  By the way, you should know I’ll probably be kidnapping one of them to raise as my own child.”

Perry and Ermingard both looked aghast at her. “Hello! I’m one of the bad guys here! Remember? I’m only helping you because Doctor What and Susan together are even worse than you can imagine, and they’ll, like, probably mess things up for everyone if they’re not stopped. Including me. So it’s only out of my self-interest, y’know. It’s not like I actually like you twerps. Anyway. C’mon, Ermie, we might as well head to the right year.”

Ermingard waved a sad little wave, Katrina did something to the koala, and they both disappeared in a flash of light.

“Hm,” Perry said. “Well. That was peculiar.”  He’d come to expect peculiar things, having a relationship with Catrina. He was about to go inside and see if she needed help, when suddenly he heard a loud, resounding boom, and the walls of Shmirmingard shook all over. Perry gulped nervously. “Oh dear. That’s not a terribly reassuring sound.”  He had a bad feeling that Catrina’s decision not to chase after the shovel had just come back to bite her. Little did Perry know how right he was.

This has been another episode of the Catrina Chronicles. For previous episodes, go here. For Catrina’s first novel adventure on Amazon in print or e-book form, go here. Thanks for reading!

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6 Comments
  1. Once again, I need to get caught up on Catrina – and this episode title really drew me in 🙂

    • It’s getting a bit harder to think of titles after 72 episodes, so I’m glad this one worked. 😀

  2. I seriously love these tales. I love that she knows she’s a character and I love the name (gonna see if I can do it without double checking myself;) Shmirmingard (???). Come payday I’m going to have to splurge on the full length…

    • You got it! 🙂 Funny story how that name originated; Catrina’s great-grandfather Roderick was supposed to play the True Love’s Kisser to Ermingard’s Sleeping Beauty role, but he decided to run off with another girl named Veronica. He knew he was supposed to go back and save Ermingard, but he decided not to, and in the process uttered those immortal words, “Ermingard Shmirmingard!” And that is how Catrina’s castle got it’s name. 🙂

  3. This is so much fun. I’m going to have to go back and start at the beginning.

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