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F is For Flowers…and LeFay

by on July 29, 2013

Last time in the Catrina Chronicles, Perry (royal consort to Princess Catrina), had been attempting to cope with his unfortunate transformation into a bear. He had sought out the aid of the Yellow Fairy, but she had so far failed to change him back. She had, however, inadvertently given consciousness to a small random flower. We now join that flower as it begins a magical voyage of discovery, boldly going where no flower has gone before….

Sunlight beamed through the forest as the flower skipped along a rustic woodland path, like some random character in an overly saccharine Disney movie. The flower’s every petal thrilled with joy. All that time it had spent trapped in the flowerpot, watching as people passed by but never able to find out who they were or where they were going, and now, finally, it was free. Free at last! It made its way in an abundance of exaltation down the path, luxuriating in the warm sunshine and the pleasant breeze. Then it paused in mid-skip..

The flower suddenly realized that it had a lot of questions to answer about itself. It had never really pondered its own existence before. It hadn’t even known there was an existence to ponder. But now, it had to come to terms with the fact that it was a sentient flower. Did it have a name? Where was it going? What was its purpose in life? What was anything’s purpose in life? The flower’s roots quivered as it contemplated the vastness of the universe, and the Meaning of Things.

Then all at once, without even so much as a bright flash of warning, the flower was not alone. Two young women materialized on the path. One held a cross-bow in her hands, loaded with a gleaming spork; the other held a Sporksaber the color of a emerald that’s feeling poorly and needs to go lie down. The flower had no way of knowing, but these were Ermingard and Katrina, and they had finally found their way back into the story.

“We should probably do a recap, you think?” Katrina said, casually stepping on the flower and obliterating it, thus ending the poor flower’s journey of self-discovery rather prematurely.

“Might as well,” Ermingard sighed. “The readers have forgotten all about us by now, I expect.”

“Right,” said Katrina. “So. Basically we and Susan were helping Catrina save 21st century Earth from the Second Zombie Penguin Apocalypse. Then Susan ran off with Doctor What, who, lemme tell ya, is just freakin’ scary. We, Ermie and me,”

“Ermie and I.”

“Whatevs. We figured out that Susan and the doc were time-traveling back to Catrina’s own time period. So we decided to follow them, by disguising ourselves as pirates in order to get ninjas to attack us so we could steal their technology and use it to time-travel.”

Now that Ermingard was hearing this over again, she decided that their plan hadn’t exactly been the greatest one ever. Katrina barrelled on. “Unfortunately we got captured by cannibalistic Vikings before we could even start. Luckily we were saved by Melanie the Imaginary Girlfriend, who also gave us a time-traveling device shaped like a koala. That got us here. Hooray!”

Ermingard’s eyes narrowed. “Not to be critical, but…doesn’t that seem a bit too convenient? I mean, Melanie was an awfully big deus ex machina, even for our author. It was almost like he couldn’t figure out how to get us away from the Vikings, and just had Melanie come in and zap them with magic. Surely he wouldn’t write that poorly. So…maybe Melanie isn’t who she says she was.”

It was then that Katrina did a very foolish thing. She ought to have known the dangers of rhetorical questions. But, for one reason or another, she didn’t pause to think about that. Instead, she rolled her eyes, gave an exasperated huff, and asked in full rhetorical flair, “Well, just who else would she be?”

“Me,” said Susan, stepping from behind a tree. Before Katrina even realized what had happened, Susan had blasted her and Ermingard clean into unconsciousness with bolts from her twin laser pistols. The ex-mistress of all Character Hell glanced around, and then it was her turn to roll her eyes. “Okay, doc, the coast is clear. You can come out now.”

From behind another tree emerged a nervous man in a sweater-vest and white gloves, muttering to himself. “I don’t like time-travel, never did, too complicated, too many variables, grandmother’s paradox and all…”

“Oh, stuff it,” Susan said. “How you’re one of the most feared villains in the 21st century is beyond me.”

The man looked wounded by her remark. He sniffed, then pulled out a Kleenex from his pocket and wiped his nose. Then he hesitated. “You see, this is the problem. Where do I put this? In my lab there’d be a trashcan nearby, or a minion. I could leave it on the ground, but suppose the natives discover it? Tissue technology hasn’t even invented yet, not in the West anyway, not until 1924, and…”

“Will you forget the stupid tissue?” Susan screamed at him. “Honestly! All I wanted was for you to get me the Stick from Morgana and help me get the Door open, I didn’t want to hear your stupid whining, ya twip!”

Doctor What sighed unhappily and stuffed the tissue in his left pocket. “Well, we’re in the proper year now, and we’ve got the sacrifices we’ll need for Morgana. I just need to make an adjustment to the Time Lime…” he produced a small green lime from his right pocket, and did something to it that Susan didn’t quite see. The land blurred about them, and suddenly they weren’t on the woodland path anymore. The four of them now stood before massive walls of black stone, which surrounded an even more massive castle. Lightning forked overhead, and thunder crackled around them. Susan rolled her eyes yet again. She just hated the 12th century. So cliched.

“You do know,” the Doctor said, readjusting his sweater-vest for the fourteenth time, “Morgana might not accept the sacrifice in exchange for the Stick. Not if she really thinks about it. And even if she does, the records say the Stick doesn’t go missing until the 13th century, so we might be causing a breach in the-”

“Doctor?” Susan asked.


“Shut up.”


This has been another exciting episode of the Catrina Chronicles. Be sure to tune in next week, as the tale of Ermingard and Katrina and Susan and Doctor What continues! For previous episodes, go here. Also, if you’re on Goodreads, and from Canada, the US, Australia, and Great Britain, you can enter a giveaway to win one of five copies of “Nuclear Family”, which has superheroes, a Pit of Marmosets, and a cameo from Catrina. Signed, even! 

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  1. Ha, LOVED the flower. I could totally see him bopping along on his little leafy legs and contemplating the big issues ~sniffle~ and then he died…

    • I may have taken inspiration from the famous falling sperm whale in “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” 😀

      • Ha, I thought it was clever because you combined the Improbabilities- instead of the flower thinking Not again, he ran off with the whale’s existential dilemma 🙂

  2. It cracks me up when you write about the author (yourself) in the story. It shouldn’t work, but you manage to pull it off 🙂

    • Thanks. I do so love breaking the fourth wall. Although in this case I may have moved merrily on to demolishing the fifth wall… 😀

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