Skip to content

How Susan Stole Christmas (And Catrina Stole It Back)

by on December 22, 2013

Welcome to the third annual very special Christmas episode of the Catrina Chronicles, in which our heroine takes a break from chasing after Cthulhu and saving fictional reality to spread some holiday cheer….

Catrina, down in Shrmirmingard, liked Christmas a lot.  But Susan, who lived just north of Shmirmingard, did not. Susan also didn’t care for internal rhyme structures, and so, casting the poetic form aside, she decided to set about her evil scheme.

It was true; Susan really hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season. It wasn’t that her shoes were too small; she had stolen those Christmas shoes from a little boy who had meant to give them to his dying mother. It wasn’t that her head wasn’t screwed on right, or that her heart was a few sizes too small; Susan had no complaints about her physiology. It was simply that she was Evil. She never washed her hands, she wore jackets made of kitten fur, and she had a special loathing for anyone being nice to anyone else. She’d even mugged a troop of Girl Scouts once.

And so, when Susan saw the wreaths hung up all around Shmirmingard Castle, and heard the minstrels playing jolly Christmas tunes, and saw a band of knights carrying in the tallest Christmas tree she could find, she found herself growing more and more livid. She knew exactly what would happen. On Christmas morning, everyone in the castle proper would gather outside round the tree, whereupon Princess Catrina would distribute presents to her many servants and retainers. Then, after a hearty cheer or two, they would go back inside and have a sumptuous Christmas feast, with lots of drinking and eating and carousing. After that, they’d all go back outside again for a community Christmas sing-along, and after a few rounds they would soon devolve into a grand Christmas snowball fight, in which the Princess gave as good as she got. The rest of the day would be spent in less organized activities; Catrina herself often went for a sleigh ride outside the castle walls. A good time was had by all. Except for Susan, who had never been invited to any of it.  (With good reason, admittedly, her being Catrina’s arch-nemesis and all).

Then Susan got an idea. A wonderful, awful idea. She set about it at once. Susan wasted no time in disguising herself as Santa Claus; she didn’t believe in the old fellow anyway. Instead, she called upon all the dark magical forces she knew, and wrapped herself in dark cloud and shadow. Then, about midnight on Christmas Eve, she crept quietly and invisibly into Shmirmingard. There she set about her work. She took everything in sight. She took the castle pudding; she took the roast beast! She swiped presents, emptied stockings, smashed candy canes into splinters. She took the instruments of the minstrels, the song-books for the choir, the garlands of holly and mistletoe on the doors. She even produced a blast of blue fire that vaporized all the snow for the snowball fight. Her final task was to pull down the Christmas tree. Then, she carted everything up on a sleigh she had stowed conveniently nearby, and whisked away to the lonely single mountain in the area, the towering Mount Elevenses. When she had reached the top, Susan paused, just for a moment, before she tipped the sleigh and all its contents down to the plain below. She wanted to hear the boo-hooing and commiseration of the Shmirmingard people.

They had, of course, discovered what Susan had done almost as soon as the sun had come up. There was, it must be admitted, a fair bit of sniffling. But they rallied themselves pretty quick. “We should assemble in the courtyard and sing,” suggested the Prime Minister. “It would be the thing to do.”

“Are you daft?” Catrina said. “You think Susan is going to change her mind when she hears our song and come running back cherrily blowing Who-Who on her trumpet? She wouldn’t have a smile in her soul; I very much doubt that she has a soul at all. Or a trumpet, for that matter. She’s much more fond of kazoos. Diabolical kazoos.”

“Right…” said the Prime Minister. “So, er, what do you suggest we do then?”

Catrina smiled, and raised Mlrning (the Shovel of Thor!) . “Duck.”

There was a sudden blast of icy wind. Clouds swirled into the sky, unleashing a torrent of snow. Then the snow gathered itself together into a massive swirling column, a veritable snownado of wintry power. On Catrina’s command, the snownado hurled itself towards the slopes of Mount Elevenses.

Susan saw it coming. (A snownado is a difficult thing to miss.) She had only a few minutes to decide what to do. Not having her standard laser pistols with her, she instead decided to conjure up another blast of blue fire and throw that at the impending snownado. She’d forgotten that Mlrning could do more than simply whip up snownados. Mount Elevenses convulsed beneath her feet, throwing her off-balance and sending her fire-blast shooting ineffectually off into the sky. The snownado smacked into her with enough force to send her flying clean off the mountainside, where she collided with a passing reindeer and was promptly taken into custody by an outraged elf patrol. Catrina calmed the snownado with a wave of her shovel, retrieved the presents and the tree and everything, and set about having a very merry (if slightly delayed) Christmas celebration. And so, as Tiny Tim observed, when someone has made off with your Christmas presents, it’s all very well to sing about it, but it’s even better if you can create a snownado with Mlrning (the Shovel of Thor!).

Advertisements

From → Uncategorized

5 Comments
  1. An instant holiday classic!

  2. Ohhhh your Christmas theme is back! Love it 🙂

    Once again I need to catch up on Catrina, etc. In the new year!

    • I thought a Christmas theme was appropriate, given the holidays. It even has a little elf. 😛

  3. Susan is a real Grinch…she deserved the snownado and more 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Laissez Faire

Letting Life Lead

Delight Through Logical Misery

Taking the sayings,thoughts and themes that make us happy and ruining them with science and logic and then ...um...happiness might come from that. Or at least some sort of smugness that's very similiar.

I Miss You When I Blink

and other classics

That Darn Kat

curiouser and curiouser

It's Not About A Church

It's about following Jesus ...

Erin McCole Cupp

Faith, Fiction, and Love No Matter What

that cynking feeling

You know the one I'm talking about . . .

The Cordial Catholic

Cordially explaining the Catholic faith.

The History of Love

The Trials & Tribulations of English Romance, 1660–1837

polysyllabic profundities

Random thoughts with sporadically profound meaning

Stewartry

Book reviews and general nonsense

Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings

You say you want an evolution...

Ned's Blog

Humor at the Speed of Life

Lisa Jakub

Writing about what happens when we stop acting

%d bloggers like this: