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End Times

by on February 17, 2014

This story was written for Trifecta’s weekly prompt, which was to use the word “funk”: slump, as in “the team went into a funk”.  It’s also another entry in Constance’s Story. To recap, Constance is a former treasure-hunter, who became the guardian angel of newlyweds Amy and Steven after she accidentally caused them to meet each other on Christmas Eve. Shortly after their wedding, however, Amy was killed in a bus accident. Constance tried to resurrect her, but unfortunately Amy came back as a zombie. Steven was a bit upset by this, and told Constance he wished she had left them alone. Constance granted his wish, but in the alternate universe that resulted, Amy became a kaiju, a giant Godzilla-like monster. And things are about to get even worse…

Steven watched, open-mouthed, as giant robots fired torrents of plasma bolts at the kaiju that had once been his wife. How was he going to explain this to her parents. He had liked them, on the whole, but he wasn’t entirely sure if they approved of him yet. They certainly weren’t going to like him now, after he’d wished their daughter into becoming Godzilla.

“Look, angel,” he said to Constance, “I’m sorry, all right? I want to live again. I want Amy and me to meet up again. So you can reverse what you did, okay?”

Constance wrung her hands. This was a problem. She could undo the wish, sure. On the bright side, Amy wouldn’t be a kaiju anymore. On the other hand, she’d go back to being dead. If only there were a way to undo the wish and make Amy alive…

“You’ve gotten yourself into a bit of a funk, haven’t you?” a voice chortled from behind. Constance spun round. A shadowed figure stood on a nearby rubble pile. “Oh, yes,” it said, “all your angelic decisions have gone wrong. But then, all your decisions did. Remember when you got plastered and woke up the spirit of the Velociraptor? That wasn’t terribly fun at all.”

Constance peered closer. Plasma lightning crackled in the sky above her head. She gasped. “Ben?”

“That’s me,” he said, in a voice a full octave lower than she remembered. “Your loathsome squid ex-boyfriend. To use your words.”

“Oh. Yes. Well. Sorry about that.”

“It’s a bit too late for apologies.”

“How about introductions?” She turned to Steven, but suddenly he wasn’t there anymore. A small pile of clothes lay neatly folded on the ground, adorned with tiny dental fillings. “Oh heck no!” Constance swore.

“Oh heck yes,” Ben said. “I hate to tell you, Constance, but it seems I’ve gone and become the Antichrist. Steven apparently got raptured. And, you, my angelic ex-girlfriend, have been….”  he paused dramatically. “Left behind.”


  1. Good lord…no pun intended.

  2. Ha.. despite the terrible action there’s a lot of humor here..

  3. Oh, boy. So much happening here! Love the humor and that image of the empty clothes…

    • I’m glad the humor went over well. 🙂 It’s tricky being funny when the Antichrist’s involved…Thanks for the comment!

  4. Wow, that was intense!

  5. Nicely done. 🙂 As someone who was born and raise a Pentecostal (though I’m no longer one) this was hysterical! I love reading about this stuff from a funny and not so serious, end all and be all, kind of tone. *claps*

    • I was born and raised Pentecostal myself, and while I still am more or less (I haven’t explored other churches yet, but I might one of these days), I figure if we can’t laugh at ourselves, what’s the point? 🙂 Also, I admit I was a little inspired by a post Tim Challies (a pastor from Toronto) wrote a while back, in which he came up with the idea for the perfect Christian novel. “Cassidy: Amish Vampiress of the Tribulation.” It was hysterical.

      • Lol, love the premise! Seems everyone is making vampire hunters out of everything lately. Was still shocked when I heard about Abe Lincoln being turned into one. o_O Still can’t quite wrap my head around that one….

  6. KymmInBarcelona permalink

    Well, meeting up with the Anti-Christ certainly throws a wrench in the works. I, too, love the image of the neatly folded clothes and dental fillings left behind. Funny and apocalyptic. Way to go, Michael!

    • I just noticed that, in a lot of the typical end-times/Rapture fiction, people who get raptured leave their clothes behind in folded piles. If I went up in the Rapture to heaven, I don’t think I’d pause to tidy up behind me. 🙂

  7. Very descriptive, and well captured. This story had a lot of fiction, characters, and density — great job holding it all together in a nice coherent piece. Well done.

  8. You have quite an imagination!! Thank you for sharing it with us. I enjoyed reading this.

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  1. My World: My Stories – Utopian Funk (Trifecta Challenge) | Dibbler Dabbler

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Fr. Matthew P. Schneider, LC

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