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Commencement

by on February 21, 2014

The Malevolent Med-Student looked gloomily around his lair. “Candystriper, I’m beginning to wonder what the point is.”

“Point, sir?” his loyal minion said from the corner, where she had been sorting out her Death Kazoos.

“Yes, the point! The two of us have been working for three years now. We’ve launched more villainous schemes than anyone, We even took over the bloody moon last Tuesday. What do we get? Nothing!”

“You did get that lovely moon rock….” Candystriper noted.

“A rock. Swell. I wanted my doctorate, blast it! All the great villains have a doctorate! Doctor Doom! Doctor Horrible! I’ve applied to the Committee of Calamity a hundred times, but they still won’t accept me into their program!”

“But, sir, you did drop out of medical school….and there was that incident with Intern Tally.”

“Psh,” the Malevolent Med-Student said dismissively. “If people can’t adjust to having their minds melded with small lizards than I have no patience for them. I could have achieved great things there, but no, Intern Tally had to complain!” He sighed.  “Ah, Candystriper, I really do wonder if we shouldn’t just give the whole thing up. The Committee of Calamity will never accept me. Perhaps I should just let it go.”

“I know that song!” Candystriper said. “I’ve seen the movie, like, three times.”

The Malevolent Med-Student was about to berate his minion; after all, minions were not traditionally known for watching Disney movies with affirming life messages. But then he wondered what the point of that would be. If the Committee of Calamity wouldn’t accept him into the program, if he’d never be a full-fledged doctor of villainy, what did it matter if his minion didn’t measure up?  He might as well drop the whole thing and see if he could get back into medical school. After all, if taking over the moon didn’t change the Committee’s mind, then nothing would.

Then a new thought entered his mind. “Candystriper…” he said. “Perhaps I just haven’t been applying the right way.”

Candystriper blinked. “You followed the process. Personal statements, letters of rec..”

The Malevolent Med-Student smiled. “I followed the process exactly. Maybe that’s the problem.” He grabbed for his lab coat. “Quickly! To the Malpracticycle!”

 

Later that evening the Committee of Calamity met in Room 216 of the Sauron Building. They had snacks prepared, and each committee member was ready for the long haul. The Rogue Jaywalker would be presenting tonight. His success was far from assured.

Lady Wagnerian looked grimly about the room, tallying votes in her head. She wasn’t going to approve the Rogue Jaywalker, whatever the circumstances. The man had no powers. Complete amateur. He couldn’t even sing.

But she was only one of five. She was the chair, to be sure, and that counted for something. Commander Cockroach would absolutely vote how she wanted. But Screaming Banshee Woman absolutely would not, and Admiral Zombie went right alongside. The deciding vote, as always, would be left to Professor Cthulhu. He never indicated how he voted, or even asked any questions during the candidate’s presentation; he mostly just lurked in the back and cast an air of unfathomable horror over the proceedings.

“Well, then, let’s get started,” she said, calling the committee to order. “Jaywalker, you may begin when ready.”

The Rogue Jaywalker rose, coughing nervously. Before he could say one word, however, the lights in the conference room went out.  Professor Cthulhu gurgled unhappily from his corner. Lady Wagnerian rolled her eyes. “Can someone call maintenance, please?”

Then one of the windows smashed and a plastic cylinder flew in. There was another flash, and a bang, and a flurry of energy beams. Commander Cockroach and Admiral Zombie went down before they knew what was happening. Screaming Banshee Woman leaped to her feet, ready to unleash a shriek of destructive sonic power, but she couldn’t see anyone to scream at. Then a sonic wave that sounded like a hundred kazoos burst in, knocking her smack against the far wall.

In strode the Malevolent Med Student, Candystriper and her Death Kazoos at his side. “Sorry to interrupt, esteemed committee members,” he declaimed. “But I really think you should reconsider my application!”

“This is highly irregular!” Lady Wagnerian protested. “We rejected you before and we aren’t in the habit of-”

Candystriper produced a small barrel from her knapsack and, with a flourish, handed it over to the Malevolent Med-Student. “This,” he said, “is the Sugar Plum Bomb. I set it off, and everyone within a hundred mile radius other than myself and my assistant will be transformed into a sugar plum. And I’ll do it, I swear, unless you grant me my doctorate this very instant!”

Lady Wagnerian looked at Professor Cthulhu in the moonlight streaming in from the shattered window. He squelched horribly at her. “Very well,” she said, quite calm again, “you win. Congratulations. The Committee applauds your resolve.”

“Excuse me,” said a sudden heroic voice from outside, “but I think your Committee needs to be adjourned!” There was a blur of red and white, and a mighty fist slammed into the Malevolent Med-Student, sending him skidding back across the conference room. Captain Happily Married, cape blowing in the breeze, glared in righteous fury at the assembled villains. “Professor Cthulhu. I always wondered where your Committee of Calamity met!”

The professor gurgled and lashed out with a tentacle. Captain Happily Married seized hold of it and in a single burst of his matrimonially-powered muscles smashed the Lovecraftian horror right through the wall. The professor came roaring back, and Lady Wagnerian rushed to his aid, and a full-scale super-battle commenced. Candystriper quietly snuck away amidst the chaos. She’d had a feeling things would wind up like this. They usually did. On the bright side, her beloved Mal-Meddie had his doctorate now.  Someday, maybe she would get a doctorate of evil as well. Then they two would make wonderful schemes together. “Ford’s in his flivver,” she quoted happily, “all’s right with the world.”

***

This story was written for a contest held by Write on Edge. The rules, as I read on Janna’s blog, are as follows.

  • 1000 word limit, all genres of creative writing are welcome.
  • linky is open until Friday, February 21, at 11:55pm Pacific
  • Use the F. Scott Fitzgerald quote “It takes two to make an accident.” as an opening/closing line or draw inspiration from it, your choice.
  • Community voting opens 2/22 and closes 2/28 at 11:55pm Pacific.
  • Community and editorial choice winners will be announced on Write on Edge and Bannerwing Books on Monday, March 3, 2014.
  • All entries must be original work, only published on your personal blog/website, and by entering you give Write on Edge and Bannerwing Books permission to reprint your entry in Precipice, Volume III‘s print and digital formats, as well as permission to edit for grammatical, spelling, and typographical errors.

So here it is. I went with the Malevolent Med-Student and Candystriper. I do like them. 🙂

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8 Comments
  1. it’s driving me bonkers that i’m not getting the Disney reference…?!?!?!

    • It’s that new movie, “Frozen”. I haven’t seen it, but it seems to be quite popular.

  2. Ha!ha!This was great fun to read-loved the evil characters and the quest for a doctorate -even the superhero was so adorable-Captain Happily Married-he sure must be having awesome powers ;-)Well done!

  3. LOVE IT! This was a fun read and refreshing. Great job!!!

  4. Hahaha! This was so much fun to read. I know I’m dating myself, but I had visions of Boris and Natasha from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Great story!

  5. Fun characters – even the villain was likeable (seems odd, but maybe I’m in a mood to like everyone today 🙂 )

  6. LOL, mind melding with small lizards – yay!

    I saw Frozen on the weekend – really liked it, though I still like Tangled just an iota more. 😀

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