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It Must Be Bunnies

by on April 8, 2014

Hadley Baxendale was so upset she was changing from mauve to a brilliant flare of magenta, and then back again to mauve. “I can’t be in a different universe!” she cried. “What if it’s an alternate and there’s another me running round somewhere? And what if she’s blue? And human!I can’t be a blue human! I just want to be me! Mauve me! Not blue me!”

The voice came again, echoing throughout her chamber. “We apologize for the inconvenience. We have reconfigured our power couplings and will be teleporting you back as soon as possible. Thank you for understanding.”

“Oh, shut up,” Hadley growled. Ordinarily she tried to be polite to people in the service industry, but she drew the line when people teleported her to alternate universes without her consent. She waited, trying to be calm, for the chamber to disappear and her home world to materialize around her. It didn’t.

“We’re sorry,” came the cool voice again, “but there seems to be a problem.”

“What kind of problem?” Hadley demanded.

“Your planet seems to be missing.”

“Missing? Missing? I don’t believe this. Listen. You can lose a screwdriver. You can lose your socks. You can lose a self-sealing stem bolt, even, but you cannot lose a planet!”

“We apologize for the inconvenience. We will transport you to the closest planet available. Thank you for your patience. Have a nice day.”

There was a short pause. “Before teleportation begins, would you like to take a short survey on our performance-”

Hadley declined to take the survey. She expressed this in remarkably vivid language, informing the speaker precisely what they could do with the survey, where they could do it, and with what persons they could do it with. She was just winding up to a crescendo of expletives when the chamber disappeared around her.

When things took shape again, Hadley found herself standing in a placid country field. A yellow sun shone blithely over her head. Birds twittered merrily in the air. A dull red barn squatted nearby, behind a rickety wooden fence that encircled a pasture dotted with meandering cows.Β  Two young hares, rump to rump like dueling pistols, crouched by the gate.

“Oh, good,” Hadley said. “Bunnies.”Β  Then she froze. “BUNNIES?”

She didn’t have a weapon. Not a phaser, not a proton cannon, not so much as a bow and arrow. Hadley had once been keen on archery, but she’d only played around with it, never took it seriously. She regretted that now. The bunnies started after her, their beady little eyes glowing angrily red. Hadley ran.

One might have thought that a sentient shade of color could move at the speed of light; unfortunately, Hadley had never been able to manage that. A physicist she had dated once had tried to explain, something about her molecule polarity, but then she had broken up with him before he could clarify his explanation. Now she blitzed across the field as the bunnies tore ferociously after her. She had a fair head start; if she could just outrun them for a little while longer, if sheΒ  could just find help-

She bolted up a small rise, and a patch of forest came into view, square across her path. Out from the trees emerged a third bunny. Then a fourth. Suddenly there were bunnies everywhere, a whole slavering army of them. She was surrounded. Panic flooded through her. She couldn’t go out like this. Not by bunnies.

They advanced.

Hadley screamed.

This story was written for the Speakeasy prompt at Yeah Write. It follows on from prior adventures in Hadley’s story arc, which you can find here at Hadley’s Story. And yes, in addition to the line “Two young hares, rump to rump like dueling pistols, crouched by the gate.” and the media prompt (the song Glory Box, by Portishead, which I had not heard bef0re), I may have also been inspired by a certain song from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Bunnies are terrifying, people.


  1. ardenrr permalink

    Hah! This is great. Any Buffy fan is going to immediately think of Anya (she was terrified of bunnies). Well done!

    • ardenrr permalink

      Sorry for the double comment but do you have a Twitter account? I clicked the link up top but it didn’t take me to a profile. If you do, please let me know! I do the social media stuff for the Speakeasy. Thanks!

      • I don’t have a Twitter account, though I may consider getting one eventually. I’ve heard good things. πŸ™‚

        And I was thinking of Anya when I wrote this; her song in “Once More With Feeling” about bunnies was just hilarious.

      • ardenrr permalink

        Hah! It makes me incredibly happy that you know what I’m talking about. Well, if you sign up for an account, let me know so I can share your posts! I’m still doing it now but only with a hashtag of your name.


  2. Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog sprang immediately to mind. Great post!

  3. !!! All that I could hear through that whole piece was Anya singing with such frightening sincerity (one of the best episodes of a television show ever in my opinion), but it also gave me a terrifying moment of Monty Python flashbackery. Well played, sir, and as always, well written πŸ™‚

    • I agree; the songs on that episode were so well done. “They got the mustard out!”

  4. I enjoyed reading the story, but suspect I’m missing another aspect of it because I’m not familiar with Buffy the Vampire Slayer πŸ™‚

  5. Ha! I love it. Misplaced planets… oi vey! πŸ™‚ Like the others, my brain went to Python bunnies and Buffy bunny fears. They got the muuuustard out!

  6. I liked the part where Hadley was surrounded by bunnies.It’s a very interesting story.

  7. Fun story! Sometimes an absurd prompt calls for the absurd!

  8. Thanks for that. I’ll be having nightmares about the family pet now. πŸ˜‰ Nicely done, as always.

  9. This was hilarious!

  10. Anything but bunnies! I love how you can take all these crazy pieces and turn them into something so entertaining and engaging. I really hope Hadley lives to fight (and curse vividly) another day. Awesome use of the prompts! πŸ™‚

  11. I’ve always hated bunnies. Thought they were strange and their eyes made me squirm. This would be my worst nightmare!! Great read

  12. LOL
    I thought of Monty Python, too. I really enjoyed it!

  13. This was great Micheal! Congrats on the win!

  14. Dem bunnies…

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