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Wedding Promises

by on May 21, 2014

I have been to several real weddings in my life, and they all turned out pretty well. I caught the garter at four of them, which I think means that I am destined to marry a quadruplet. In any event, while real-world weddings mostly go well, I’ve recently realized how many fictional weddings I’ve read about or watched on Netflix where things do not go well at all. (Not to mention some of my own stories, in which there’ve been several unfortunate weddings indeed). I’ve gotten a little paranoid about it, to tell the truth. Thusly, I decided to write this blog post. I’m not certain who my future wife might be as yet, but whoever you are, I would like to make you a few assurances.

1) I am not an immortal supervillain. Therefore, if you should be the princess of a small Eastern European country fortunate enough to have the resources to put a space station into orbit, I will not marry you in order to co-opt the space station for my own villainous plan. Also, Wonder Woman will not be throwing a tank through the wall of the wedding chapel. I will have sent her an invitation explaining that I am not a supervillain, and so she will be sitting in the pew remarking on how lovely everything is.

2) I do not have my prior spouse (who has tragically gone insane) concealed in my attic. If I had an ex with that unfortunate condition, I would have sought the help of proper medical authorities.

3) If a person comes up to me before the ceremony, claims to be my future self, and shows me visions of a terrible future in which I murder you with a frying pan, I will dismiss this as a hallucination brought on by pre-wedding stress. I will not back out of the wedding.

4) If I marry you in a quick civil ceremony, and there is another woman whom I have secretly had feelings for over the past seven years, and she announces that she is getting married to someone else, I will prudently decline to attend her wedding ceremony. If I am invited and find myself attending her rehearsal dinner the night before, I will not choose that very moment to declare my true feelings for her. After all, I am already married to you. If I did that, it would set in motion a chain of events that will lead to her and me eloping in a Winnebago. I have no interest in going anywhere in a Winnebago.

5) I will check before the ceremony to make sure the rings are actual gold, and not gold kryptonite in disguise. I will also make sure to pick a reliable best man, and one who is not secretly working for the supervillain Darkseid.

6) I will consider asking the minister to skip over the part about asking anyone in the audience if they have any objection to the wedding, and to speak now or forever hold their peace. If they had an objection, they should have made it clear in advance so as not to disturb the ceremony. Procrastination is no one’s friend.

7) I will not skip over any other part. I will also make sure that the officiating clergyman enunciates clearly. I will not plan to have you murdered after the ceremony. I will not attempt to murder the person you secretly love, and then tell you that he went away and that you might as well marry me in the alternative. That person will show up anyway, and things will go awry. Also, I will not employ a six-fingered assassin who has killed someone else’s father. If I find myself with the need to employ any assassin at all, I will step back and consider whether I have been making appropriate life choices.


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  1. Just in general, this is hilarious and quite a reassuring guide for your bride to be that you do indeed have every contingency covered. I so so so heart the Buffy reference (Zander deserved a throat punch for that little bit of sissified nonsense) and that you understand that Mawwiage may be alright for Elmer Fudd, but not for the likes of you 🙂

    • Yeah, I did not like at all the way that Xander/Anya story arc turned out. Very sad. I thought better of Xander than that.

    • Also, I realized now that I overlooked several very important potential contingencies. I will need to make this into a follow-up post.

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