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More Wedding Promises

by on May 23, 2014

I realized, after I made my last post on the subject, that I completely neglected several important wedding contingencies. Luck favors the prepared, as they say, so here are a few more wedding promises to my future bride, whoever that happy person turns out to be. 🙂

1) Under no circumstances will anyone be playing the Rains of Castamere at my wedding. It will ESPECIALLY not be played during the reception. If I have hired a DJ for the reception, I will be looking over the DJ’s musical choices to make sure he hasn’t smuggled in the Rains of Castamere among such other appropriate selections as “Love Don’t Roam” or “To Life“. It will not be heard so much as a ringtone on my guests’ cell phones. I won’t have it so much as whistled. Bad things happen when that song is played at weddings. Also, my wedding will not be color-themed. If by chance it is, it certainly won’t be red. Or purple. Mauve, now, mauve is a nice color. Nothing bad happens at a Mauve Wedding.

2) If someone is kind enough to give me one of the only four first-edition copies of a very rare and valuable book, I will not take a sword and hack it to bits. I will write them a nice thank-you note instead. Bad, yet delightfully karmic, things happen when one smashes up a valuable book with a sword.

3)  At some point before the ceremony is concluded, I will check beneath the veil to make sure the bride is the person I’m actually supposed to be marrying. She might have been switched out with her sister as part of a scheme by her father.  Also, I think a seven-year engagement before the wedding is overly lengthy. One or two years, tops. Fourteen is right out.

4) I will not say anything like “We’re superheroes. What could happen?”  If we were actually superheroes, I would remember that a great many unfortunate things are within the realm of possibility. For instance, there could be a wave of lawsuits that forces the supers to go underground. It’s been known to happen.

5) I will make sure that my bride has not been contaminated with huon particles, so that she won’t be accidentally teleported away while she’s walking down the aisle. Also, I will not enter the service of a spider alien and use my bride as a pawn in order to free said spider alien and let her revive her species.  I have more respect for my intended spouse than that. Also, if she is inadvertently teleported away, I will postpone the reception until she’s safely back.

6) I will tell people that we are married. This will avoid the difficulties of a secret marriage. If I should belong to an ancient order of powerful beings sworn not to marry or form any romantic attachments to anyone, I will leave the order and start a new one. Mine will probably be more popular, for obvious reasons. I will also not turn to evil, murder younglings, and attempt to take over the galaxy. I’d imagine this would create difficulties in my marital relationship.

7) My wedding will not be raided by Russian Cossacks.  Since, as mentioned in my last post, I will be inviting Wonder Woman, I will station her outside to deal with the Cossacks. If they come in a tank, I will naturally ask her to throw their tank away from the direction of the chapel. I will, of course, invite the bottle dancers.

8) If the wedding is videotaped, I will not subsequently tape over it with a recording of the Super Bowl. Fortunately, I’d imagine this is a moot point as these things are all digital anyway. In any event, if I am somehow responsible for erasing the wedding video and decide to renew my vows, I will memorize the vows in advance so I won’t look like an idiot when I forget them. As a precaution, I will write the vows down on a flashcard. Flashcards are everyone’s friend.

9) If I am on the verge of discovering Flubber, I will not become so involved in the discovery process that I neglect to appear at the wedding three times straight. Flubber will wait; she won’t.

10) I will query my bride well before the ceremony to see if she has any secret yet deep feelings for someone like, say, a photographer for a local newspaper, who may or may not be Spider-Man. If she does, I will ask her to resolve the issue, so as to avoid the awkwardness of having her run out during the ceremony.





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  1. rachelina4thumbelina permalink

    The Bible reading, Jedi training, Racnoss hating, Doctor loving, comic book reading, kids movie watching, “where’s my super suit?!” quoting, “if I was a rich man” singing, all around unrepentant geek in me LOVED every word of this post!

    • Thank you. And nice Frozone reference. “I am your wife! I am the greatest good you are ever going to get!” 🙂

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