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Don’t Say Whangdoodle

by on October 14, 2014

Sarah May Raxenpaxerflirk was deeply distressed. She had dealt with the occasional irate customer at the Lady Amber, and she had a vague idea that she might have to deal with upset people in her chosen career in medicine. But she had never anticipated robots with laser cannons. Her tentacles were still shaking.

“There, there,” Constance said absently, looking over the scorched metal remains of the robot. “You’ll be fine. Have some tea.”

“Fine?” Sarah May said. “FINE? I nearly got killed by a robot! In my living room!”  She said this as if it would’ve been less distressing to be killed by a robot outside of her living room.

“First time, is it? You’ll live.”

“First… time….” Sarah May contemplated, horror-stricken, the prospect that this might happen again. “I think,” she said weakly, “I need to lie down.”

“Good idea,” Constance said briskly. She whisked into movement, bundling Sarah May off to her sleeping pod, and then whipping up some tea in the kitchen with angelic speed. Soon the squidling waitress had drifted off into happy unconsciousness, and Constance could think.

She had to give the robot points; it looked like a legitimate lunar constable. From its badge to the regulation color-coded marks on its metal arms, she could well understand why Sarah May had been deceived. But Constance knew it was wrong. The robot policemen, on this moon anyway, had never been issued with plasma arm cannons. Furthermore, each one had been installed with an Ethicator Circuit that prevented it from doing things like using excessive force, or violating warrant procedures. Constance checked quickly, behind the robot’s left optical sensor. The Ethicator Circuit wasn’t there. She couldn’t tell whether it had been removed, or never installed at all. “So…” she summarized to herself, “someone out there wants the Orb of the Whangdoodle so much that they sent a fake robot policeman after a random waitress, just because she overheard someone else talking about it. That’s not good.”

She didn’t realize what she had done. Constance didn’t give a fig for rules such as not saying the names of things evil or otherwise. She had gleefully named all sorts of unspeakable horrors, and then knocked them clean into last Wednesday with her exploding halo. So she didn’t think this would be any different. “Right,” she said, and her eyes lit with happiness. “There’s only one thing to do. Someone’s trying to find the Orb of the Whangdoodle? Okay. I’ve got to find it first!” 

At that moment something kra-KOOMED in the distance. A siren howled a frantic warning. “Huh,” Constance said. “There must be an air raid. Funny, I didn’t think this moon was in a battle zone-”

A sheet of white flashed past the window, The floor shook violently beneath Constance’s boots. “Okay, closing time, last call!”  She seized Sarah May by the tentacle, startling her awake, and then spread her wings. They escaped, but only just. As Constance soared skyward, Sarah May’s little moon disintegrated below.

  1. i have so much fun reading your stories out loud to myself, with your awesomely ridiculous names and silly little personal asides that your characters have with themselves. I almost wish I still had a little kid, because I could totally see these as hilarious bedtime serials 🙂

    • Well, if I ever have a kid myself, you know what I’m reading little Michael or Michaela Jr. 😀

  2. Wow, lucky escape!! You write action adventure stories so well! I can imagine this as an actual TV show scene 😀

  3. The story just keeps getting better!

  4. Meg permalink

    Whew. Another narrow escape from the Whangdoodle! I’ve missed a couple of episodes but still pick up the thread, I think. Seems that desperate times call for desperate measures if they’re looking for the Orb going on second-person accounts. Fun to read, as always, Michael. I hope Stamper is doing ok.

  5. Christine permalink

    Great continuation to this story! And it stands very well on its own, too, which is always nice. I love the creativity.

  6. Your stories are always so much fun!

  7. Wonder if Constance heard the theme music when she said “Orb of the Wangdoodle?” Dun Dun DUN!

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