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Arresting Developments

by on May 8, 2015

The rebellion in hell had been crushed. The rebels were armed with World War Two vintage weapons, impressive enough in their own way, but completely outclassed by the proton-torpedo bazookas of the Seventh Circle Defense Corps. Madeleine stood at the edge of Phlegethon, trying not to throw up as the foul smell of boiling blood rose to meet her. “Ew,” said Evil Madeleine, who had regained consciousness. “That stinks, yo.”

“Yeah,” Madeleine said. “Well, now that’s over, I guess we can go on.”

The centaur lieutenant, Jinx MacPhee, gave a little cough. “Er, sorry, missie, but I’m afraid there’s a bit of difficulty.”

Madeleine sighed. Of course there would be. “Okay, what’s the problem now?”

Before MacPhee could answer, a centaur junior officer galloped up and handed an envelope to MacPhee. He ripped it open and read the contents. Then he looked up again at the two Madeleines. The look in his faces had gone cold, all business. Madeleine’s stomach clenched. “Right.You’re both under arrest. Charge is insubordination.”

Madeleine flamed up. So did Evil Madeleine. “Oh yeah?” the evil version of Gaseous Girl said. “You and what army?”

“Oh, you idiot,” Madeleine Prime said. MacPhee smiled, and gave a sharp whistle. Twenty centaurs galloped down upon them. The two Madeleines were surrounded by proton-torpedo bazookas.

“This one will do, I think, ” MacPhee said.

“So, where are you going to take us?” Madeleine Prime said in resignation.

MacPhee looked at the envelope again. “Circle Six.”

“But that’s for heretics,” Madeleine said. “We’re not that.”

“You’d rather go in the flaming river of blood with the Nazis, then?”

Madeleine Prime looked at Phlegethon. It still smelled horrible. “So. Flaming river, or locked up in a tomb with heretics. I guess I’ll go heretic.”

“Aye. You will.”


An hour later, Madeleine Prime was alone, inside a stone beehive of rock. The walls glowed dimly red. She couldn’t see outside, and she didn’t know where her evil counterpart was. She also didn’t know how she was going to escape this one. The universe was in peril, and here she was stuck in the sixth circle of hell. It was maddening.

Madeleine remembered the last time things had gone so badly. The Green Glass Bandit had been running amuck. He had an obsession with smashing stained-glass windows. Madeleine had underestimated him, putting him right around Major Mustard or the Rogue Jaywalker in threat-level terms. Then the guy had gotten hold of a padamantium-fueled phase distorter bomb and nearly punched a hole in the universe. Madeleine had just barely managed to stop him and hold reality together. It hadn’t been fun. Neither was this. Hell, she reflected, sucked.

For previous entries in Gaseous Girl’s trip through hell, go here. Thanks for reading!

  1. Haha! Hell just gets more and more interesting. I wonder what Centaurs did to be placed there. Hopefully she can collect enough heretics to escape. The Green Glass Bandit and his distorter bomb is really interesting and inventive. I really enjoy your imagination

    • Well, Dante set the framework (centaurs and all, though I don’t know where he got the idea); I’m just following in his tracks. So to speak. 🙂

      • Hehe. “So to speak.” Following in his tracks literally might be…unpleasant.

  2. Now that is a tricky spot to be stuck in. Stone beehives are the worst. 😉

  3. Wow. How will she get out of this one? Good write!

  4. “Hell, she reflected, sucked.”
    That is quite a calm reaction. haha
    Great fun! Enjoyed this piece immensely!

  5. Ima be the Rogue Jaywalker for Halloween this year…Um, I may have to ask you to take care of some tickets, but that’s neither here nor there 😉

    • Or, you could go as the Rogue Jaywalker’s heroic nemesis, defender of good and traffic, Captain Stop Sign,.

  6. Love the title.

    • I’ve never seen Arrested Development myself, but I had a law school assignment that borrowed a fact pattern from it. 🙂

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