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Trades

by on January 8, 2017

The doctor has been having difficulties with brains lately. It isn’t like the old days, he keeps telling me. Back then, he could send an Igor to any old cemetery or medical institution and round up half a dozen brains, and no one gave two hoots about it. Now, you have to go through medical review boards, apply for funding, fill out ethics paperwork. It’s surprising how much bureaucracy one has to go through simply to get a human brain for use in bringing to life an undead monster.

So it’s understandable why the doctor wanted to cut corners and just use my brain. “I’ll replace it,” he assured me. “I’ve got a friend who makes androids. Positronic matrix, backup memory banks, the works. You won’t know the difference!”

“No,” I said, quite firmly. Even an Igor has standards. “I’d like to keep my brain, thanks. I’ve seen that Doctor Who episode with the Cybermen.”

“Doctor who?” he said.

“Yes,” I said.

“What?”

“No, who.”

“I’m asking you!”

The doctor has no sense of humor. I could have done this for hours, but I relented. “Tell you what,” I said. “If I get you some other brain, will you leave mine alone?”

“Just as long as it’s an appropriate brain,” grumbled the doctor. “Not just some clown off the street. If you happen to have any German physicist friends…”

I did not. I do, however, belong to an Igor support group on social media. We complain about our doctors, discuss ways of getting castle damp out of your clothes, wonder if the new automatic lightning machines will put us out of business. It helps relieve the stresses that go with the job.

So I posted late one Wednesday, asking if anyone knew of a brain that might be available. An hour later I got a reply.Β  It was from Sheila, who worked for a mad scientist in Wisconsin. Sheila and I had developed a solid friendship online; she had been an Igor a lot longer than I had, and had a wealth of experience to share. Tonight, it just so happened that she had come across a guaranteed reputable brain, from a German physicist no less. In return, she wanted to know if I had a certain ancient amulet useful for breaking curses on mummy burial chambers. Apparently her boss was expanding his line of work.

Fortunately, before I started with the doctor, I dated a guy who worked for certain Top Men in the government. He gave me just such an amulet for our six-month anniversary. Some girls might have expected flowers, but no, I got an amulet with occult hieroglyphics. We broke up after that. I kept the amulet.

So, the doctor ended up with a very nice German physicist brain for his experiment, and dodged a good deal of red tape, while Sheila got a nice amulet. We all came out ahead, more or less.

I am an Igor, and this is my job.

 

This story was written for the yeah write weekly writing challenge, and involves characters from last week’s story. Thanks for reading!

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From → Jane the Igor

13 Comments
  1. Christine permalink

    I love the conceit of “an Igor” as a job. Very cool! Also, so happy to see you!

  2. So glad you decided to expand this! It continues to be cute and quirky, and I love the way you mix contemporary technology into the scifi/horror setting. Super about this little series πŸ™‚

    • Thanks! I’m not sure where I’m going with it, long range, but it’ll be fun to see where it ends up. πŸ™‚

  3. I just love Igor!! And your amazing twist on the cliches. Some girls don’t want flowers anyway. Hehe

  4. You are so damn creative. That’s all.

    No but seriously, just like with Laura, I could learn a thing or two from you about writing fiction. Thanks for coming back and gracing us with your writing more often this year!

  5. rubybastille permalink

    I’m loving this new Igor concept! The humor is perfectly wry and I am enjoying the pop-culture nods (I’ve been picturing the doctor as Farnsworth from Futurama). I’m wondering whether these Igors aspire to mad science themselves, or if it’s just something to pay the bills.

    • That is a very good question. I may have to address that in the next post. Does Jane want to be a mad scientist herself? Can Igors get promoted? So many questions!

  6. Donna-Louise Bishop permalink

    CASTLE DAMP! This is BRILLIANT! Please tell me you’re going to turn these characters into a novel. I loved the refreshing use of familiar terms. This made me smile πŸ˜€

    • I just might. Laura’s question above led to a plot bunny sparking in my head. πŸ™‚

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