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Food Fight

by on April 3, 2017

There were times when Gaseous Girl wished she had a decent arch-nemesis. Everyone else had them. Mr. Ecosystem had Pollutanica. Thunder Lass had Nanobyter. Heck, even Captain Happily Married had the Malevolent Med-Student. But who did Gaseous Girl, wielder of the Armpits of Armageddon, She Who Dealt It, have?

Hiccup Holly.

Holly could hiccup with explosive force.

That was about it.

But at least, Gaseous Girl reflected as her black Starfleet-style boots scraped the asphalt of the vast supermarket parking lot, Hiccup Holly had nearly destroyed the world. Crudmuffin, here, hadn’t blown up so much as a popsicle stand. Goodness knows, he’d tried. Crudmuffin had a definite pastry obsession, and in the process had declared all-out war on any foodstuffs that weren’t pastries. That was why Gaseous Girl was here, on this frost-bitten November night, trying to stop the Mad Baker from torching a taco truck. “Right,” she said tiredly as she approached, “Put the exploding biscuit down.”

“It’s not a biscuit, it’s a scone!” Crudmuffin snapped.

Gaseous Girl shrugged. “Okay,  Downton Abbey, put the exploding scone down.”

“Of course you wouldn’t know the difference,” Crudmuffin growled. “No one appreciates a good pastry anymore! No one appreciates fine dining! Why, just the other day, I was doing a smash-and-grab of the mayor’s house, and do you know what he had in his refrigerator?”

“I’m guessing not scones.”

“Hot dogs!” Crudmuffin said, with a flourish of his white cape. “That was it! A fine upstanding man such as our mayor, and he couldn’t think of anything more appetizing than a mere hot dog? It’s positively plebian!”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Gaseous Girl said. “I myself have snatched a hot dog or two from a gas station. It’s a nice quick snack when one’s on the go.”

“A…a gas station?” Crudmuffin spluttered. “You…but…really…”

Gaseous Girl sighed. “Look, I get that you’ve got different eating tastes than I do. And also the mayor. But do you have to  take it out on this poor taco truck here?”

“And not just this!” Crudmuffin shouted, waving his exploding scone. “But all food vendor trucks  everywhere! Soon the world will be forced into a new era of fine dining,  tasteful meal preparations, and-”

He had begun monologuing, which is always dangerous for a supervillain to do. Sure enough, a sudden titanic boom rent the parking lot. Crudmuffin went flying head over cape, landing hard in a nearby trash bin. Seconds later his exploding scone went off, wrecking the trash bin and sending Crudmuffin away into the night sky. Gaseous Girl heard a distant thud as he landed. She turned, and saw Hiccup Holly, who burped noisily. “Hey,” she said.

“Hey,” Gaseous Girl replied, tentatively.

“We’re still nemeses, y’know,” glared Hiccup Holly.

“Naturally. But why-”

“I like hot dogs.”

“Oh. You didn’t do it because you suspected him of destroying the world, and you decided to put aside your own petty grievances and work together for the good of the planet?”

“God, no. I still hate you. And the planet. I just like hot dogs.”

Gaseous Girl sighed. “It was just a thought.”

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  1. Ever seen the cartoon Word Girl? This campy exchange reminds me of it. 🙂

    • Just wait till I introduce the Wombat. He burrows. With great burrowing, comes great responsibility. 🙂

      I have not seen that particular cartoon, but will certainly add that to my Netflix queue!

  2. As much as I love Gaseous Girl, I’m with Crudmuffin when he says “Nobody appreciates a good pastry anymore.”

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