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Someone’s Knocking at the Door

by on February 20, 2019

Ben had thought the gates would be actual pearl. He had never been there himself; being the Antichrist meant he was generally headed to the other place, but he had heard frequent discussions about the Pearly Gates. As such, he had expected to see something shining white, and definitely solid. He was therefore surprised to see that the gates were gold, not pearl, and looked more like the barred entrance to some billionaire’s mansion. Ben almost wondered if there was an intercom where he should buzz in. Then he noticed, to his amazement, that there actually was. Just beside the leftmost gate, a shining intercom glinted in its golden setting.

Ben approached cautiously. He took a moment to adjust his angelic ex-girlfriend’s halo and compose his appearance to match hers. If he could get past the gates in his angel disguise, all he had to do was sneak on to the Angel Choir, and the rest would be easy. He did a quick check. He had the halo, the wings, the standard angel outfit. He had her looks down. All he had to do was get through the gates.

Confidently, Ben stepped to the intercom and tapped. “Hello,” an ethereal voice responded. “Welcome to the Gates of Pearl. You will be admitted in the order in which you present yourself. St. Peter will be with you shortly.”

Ben waited. A few lofty strains ofΒ  harp music wafted from the intercom. Finally, the voice came again. “Please state your name, and celestial status. If you have recently died, please be aware that a short examination will be required in order for you to be admitted.”

“Constance,” Ben said, in as best an approximation of her voice as he could manage. “Angel. Need to get back to the choir.”

“This is irregular,” the voice said coolly. “Our records show that you have been assigned to penance duty, looking for survivors on Earth, since the apocalypse. Have you been reassigned?”

“Ah, yeah,” Ben said. “Just today.”

“Please hold,” the voice said. Several moments passed. Ben was beginning to loathe harp music. Not that he cared for it much before; being the incarnation of evil, his taste went more towards minor-key chorals and Latin chanting.

“We apologize for the delay,” the voice said at last. “Please note that, per Heavenly procedure, each angel is allowed to maintain one personal item from their time on Earth. For security purposes, please identify the item belonging to you.”

Ben searched his memory frantically. It obviously wasn’t her halo. He tried to recall how she had looked back on Earth. “Ah, a locket?” he said tentatively.

“Please identify what is inside the locket.”

Even the Antichrist has a limit. “It’s a picture of her blasted mother, for God’s sake, now open the effing door-”

“Language,” the voice said calmly. The clouds abruptly opened beneath Ben’s feet. There was a sudden burst of flame, a scream, and then silence. The intercom quietly clicked off.

  1. Ah, such an excellent evil plan he had going there, too. πŸ™‚ So I take it those were not real wings…. I’m a little scared to ask, but whose were they? I just hope they don’t work, because it sounds like he’s plummeting helplessly toward a planet where the only one there who could help him is the angel whose halo he stole, and I do NOT think Ben is on Constance’s “help him out” list right now.

    • I initially had in mind that he was faking the wings, through some sort of illusion or something, bu you make a good point; maybe he stole the wings from someone else. And no, Ben is definitely not on Constance’s good list. πŸ™‚

      • I’m happy to go with illusion. Stealing wings sounds too gory for me this early in the morning. πŸ˜‰

  2. Woo! Continuation from the previous week’s post. This is really cool. I like how you intricately weave humor into the tale.

    • Thanks! I’ll probably keep the story for next week’s too, as it’s fun to write. πŸ™‚

  3. Of course there’s harp hold music in heaven.

  4. Very fast information retrieval in heaven. Surely there’s a whole host of angels? πŸ˜‰ Great continuation with some wonderful one-liners.

  5. all he had to do was sneak on to the Angel Choir, and the rest would be easy. <– Oh, the famous last words.
    β€œIt’s a picture of her blasted mother, for God’s sake, now open the effing door-” <– and there it is
    LOL. I don't know what I was expecting, but certainly not the part two of the case of the purloined halo. Hah.
    I would imagine that if the said pearly gates had security they would have anti-christ wing neutralizing somethingorother, you know, just to be sure the punishment was doled out properly. LOL

  6. I love the image of the clouds opening as Ben gets whisked down south again. Made me laugh.

  7. Wow, I know he’s the Antichrist, but Ben is a cad! I’m glad he got his just desserts. Poor Constance.

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Fr. Matthew P. Schneider, LC

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