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Catrina vs. Nessie, Part Two

by on May 26, 2019

Last time in the Catrina Chronicles, our heroine and the wizard Merlin had just been transported to Loch Ness thanks to the evil machinations of Catrina’s arch-nemesis Susan. Worse yet, Catrina and Merlin are about to confront the dreaded Loch Ness Monster…

“Stand aside!” Merlin said. “I shall defeat the foul creature!”

“No need.” Catrina said pleasantly. “I have this, thanks.” She raised Mlrning, the Shovel of Thor. “It’ll just be a moment.” Mlrning flashed a blinding white. The waters of the loch suddenly froze solid, locking the monster in place. Before Nessie quite realized what was happening, Catrina had spun the shovel round in a circle, unleashing a flurry of snowballs. “Ah, blast,” Catrina said. “I meant to freeze the thing solid, not pelt it with snowballs.”

“Perhaps now I shall defeat the foul creature?” Merlin said hopefully.

“Give me a second!” Catrina waved Mlrning again. This time a beam of white light shot from the shovel’s enchanted blade, striking the monster dead-on and encasing it in a massive block of ice. “Well, that’s over,” Catrina said. “Now, I believe we were looking for-“

At that moment several SUVs with tinted windows roared in around them, skidding to a halt on the shores of the loch. Several dark-suited men emerged, all thoroughly armed and complete with ominous sunglasses. “Excuse me!” said one of them, approaching Catrina. “We’re going to have to ask you to come with us!”

“Ask?” Catrina said. “Then I politely decline. We’re on an adventure, you see. Not sure who you people are, but-“

Once again she was interrupted before she could finish her sentence. “Name’s not important,” the man said. “We’re with the Monster Preservation Bureau. Our current directive is to keep awareness of the LNM to a minimum, maintaining plausible deniability and the stability of the civilian population. Which is somewhat difficult to do when you’ve frozen her in a giant block of ice for everyone to see.”

“Ah,” Catrina said. “You’re government guys.”

“Yes,” said the agent. “You might say that.”

“Cool. I’m from a constitutional monarchy myself, so we don’t have much call for your types. At least, I think we have a constitution. I should probably look into that. Merlin, remind me when this is all over, check on Shmirmingard’s constitution.”


“Never mind.” Catrina turned back towards the government man. “Look, I can unfreeze the monster, no problem, and then you all can handle her and I’ll be on my way. Deal?”

“Not quite,” said the agent. “It’s usually our policy to wipe the memories of anyone who’s obtained a visual of the LNM. No hard feelings. You understand. We’ll just need a min-”

This time it was his turn to be interrupted, but not by Catrina. She would have interrupted, she was not at all keen to have her memory wiped, but Merlin had got there before her. “You dare?” rumbled the wizard. “You dare?”

Before any of the government people could do anything, Merlin waved his wand and boomed something in Latin. There was yet another blinding flash. Catrina blinked hard. “Remind me to bring a pair of sunglasses on my next thrilling adventure,” she said. “Where did they all go?”

“I turned them all into semi-aquatic salamanders.”

“Newts, you mean?”

“Yes. They’ll get better.”

“I’ve heard that,” Catrina said. “Right. Now, can we try the transporting to the Lady of the Lake again? I’d rather not hang around here until these people get reinforced. Or what’s her name breaks out of the ice.”

“Very well,” Merlin said, and muttered another incantation. This time they disappeared with a simple popping sound, leaving behind them only a collection of bewildered newts in sunglasses and a very irritated, very cold lake monster.

This has been another exciting episode of the Catrina Chronicles. Be sure and tune in next time, as Catrina continues her search for the Lady of the Lake, and the magical sword Excalibur. Little does she know….


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  1. Helen permalink

    Probably a stupid question but.. I wondered why the villain was named “Susan” rather than “Demonica” or something like that? Is it anything to do with the Narnia character gone bad, or is it just that Susan is an “evil” name? Jane Austen’s “Lady Susan” was a really evil villain…

    • It’s a long story, but if I recall, I was sort of inspired by Susan from Narnia, yes. Also the line from “Monsters vs. Aliens” when B.O.B. asks Ginormica what people yell when they see her, as in, “Look out, here comes…” And she goes, “Susan,” and he repeats scarily,” “Suuuusan,” and scares himself. I’m not familiar with Austen’s Susan, but obviously I should be!

      • Helen permalink

        You can get all Austen’s stuff for free on Kindle. You might find the Juvenilia interesting! It’s nothing like the well known work. There’s one story where an obnoxious girl named Sukey (nickname for Susan..) murders the heroine because she’s jealous that she’s marrying a

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