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by on February 1, 2022

Last time, in the Catrina Chronicles, our heroine was locked in combat against her arch-nemesis Susan, Mistress of all Character Hell, battling for possession of Excalibur. With it, the fate of all Britain hangs in the balance!

“Well, if it was that serious,” Catrina commented, “You wouldn’t have forgotten about the story for a whole year.” She raised Mlrning (the Shovel of Thor!) just in time and blocked yet another swing by Susan, who had charged in to knock her head off with Excalibur. While Catrina preferred a more civilized method of sword-fighting, or even shovel-fighting, Susan’s method was a bit more direct. “Yaaaah!” she yelled as she stormed in again, Excalibur held high, trying once more for Catrina’s head.

Catrina naturally did what any reasonable person would do in a fight when someone else is trying to take their head off their shoulders: she ducked. Then, when Susan momentarily lost her balance, she rammed her in the stomach with Mlrning (the Shovel of Thor!). If you have never been rammed in the stomach by an Asgardian shovel, it hurts like the dickens, let me tell you. Susan, diabolical arch-nemesis though she was, let out a whoof! sound and sat down very suddenly. The next moment Catrina stood over her, holding the Shovel over her head. Then Catrina noticed that Susan had dropped the sword. She scooped that up, and held the sword at Susan’s throat.

“Well,” she said pleasantly, “This was fun.”

“Okay, look,” Susan said, “I’m sorry about beheading the Lady of the Lake, I can maybe try to fix that-“

“With what, glue and a bit of string?” Catrina said.

“Excuse me,” Merlin said, having decided that he should probably do something now that the fight was over, “I could resurrect her. That is, if you have a bit of the, er, head left.”

“I don’t keep souvenirs,” Susan said sniffily. “Who do you think I am?”

“Mistress of all Character Hell, my arch-nemesis, the person who’s literally tried to murder me personally more times than I can count?” Catrina said.

“Fine,” Susan said. “But I still don’t keep souvenirs.”

“Can’t you do just sort of a zippity-resurrecto-spell and fix her up?” Catrina pleaded to Merlin.

“It doesn’t work that way!” Merlin said, mightily offended.

At that moment there was a sudden watery blurp and a pop and the Lady of the Lake appeared, this time with her head fixed firmly back on her shoulders. “Did someone say the magic words zippity resurrecto?” she inquired.

“What?” Merlin said.

“Oh, good, you’re back,” Catrina said. “Tell you what, how about you and Merlin take the sword and go find Arthur, right?”

“Wonderful,” the Lady of the Lake said. “Let’s hope this time he doesn’t end up throwing the sword right back in the lake again. Waste of a good bit of steel, that was.”

“What?” Merlin said.

“Anyway, I”d like to go back to Shmirmingard, my castle now,” Catrina said. “I’m taking Susan here with me. Probably stick her in the cells down below or something. I dunno. Anyway. Merlin, old buddy, could you do the honors?”

Merlin made a few waves with his wand, and both Catrina and Susan vanished, along with Mlrning (the Shovel of Thor!). And so he and Nimue, the Lady of the Lake, set off on their own quest to find the new Arthur and save Britain, having retrieved Excalibur thanks to the help of Catrina, Princess of Shmirmingard.

This has been another exciting episode of the Catrina Chronicles. What exciting quest will our heroine embark upon next? Tune in next week to find out!

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